HAVE A LAUGH

[Ken L]

Farmer Steve decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer interrogated Farmer Steve.

 

“Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?”‘ asked the lawyer.

 

Farmer Steve responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Suzie into the...”

 

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?'”

 

Farmer Steve said, “Well, I had just got Suzie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...”

 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

 

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Steve’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

 

Farmer Steve thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Suzie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Suzie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Suzie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Suzie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”

 

“He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”

 

“Now what the hell would you say?"

[Ken L]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.

 

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. "What could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?" So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

 

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

 

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

[Clifftop]

17-year-old was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her.
"Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping."

"Hel-looo!" said the 17 year old, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job.
I don't know anything about lighthouses."

[corydoras]

[Phone]

All,

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEAR CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many dears are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

Phone

[Sportsman]

Thank you Phone, that cheered me up.

As for your very last comment, that much is painfully obvious.

[John S]

Thank you Phone, that cheered me up.

As for your very last comment, that much is painfully obvious.

 

The name T-rump springs to mind

[ayjay]

A husband and wife are asleep in bed when the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and listens for a moment.

 

There's a pause, and then he says "Do I look like a bloody weatherman?" and slams the phone down.

 

"Who was that?" asks the wife.

 

"I don't know", says the husband. "Some prick asking if the coast was clear".

[chesters1]

Well i thought it amusing in the british fashion

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4573272/Freddo-price-hikes-toilet-paper-facing-wrong-way.html

[Huge_Vitae]

Subject: The British Way

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

 

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

 

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

 

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

 

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

 

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."

 

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a ****ing tie !"