HAVE A LAUGH

[Phone]

All,

 

I didn't want to start a new thread so this is the only place I could post this news article.

 

ATLANTA—In an effort to avoid arousing any suspicion, drunk driver Jeff Macklin reportedly assured himself while speeding away in a stolen police car Monday that he would be totally fine if he just took it slow. “All you gotta do is take this nice and easy, and everything will turn out A-okay,” said the inebriated Macklin, who carefully checked the rearview mirror as he peeled out in the police cruiser and gunned it down the highway. “As long as you keep an eye on the speed limit and stay in the right lane, no one will be any the wiser. Just remember to signal and check your blind spots for any oncoming traffic. You got this.” At press time, Macklin told himself to just stay calm and pretend like nothing was wrong after crashing the cop car into the front of his house.

 

Phone

[chesters1]

I often woke up in the sidecar of my scooter after getting home from the pub ,it seems frowned apon today!

Most of my youth i was avoiding getting into cop cars especially drunk!

 

PS never go to sleep on a steep bank with a stream at the bottom ,you will meet!

Edited November 14, 2017 by chesters1

[Ken L]

Scientists have now proved that dolphins are second in intelligence only to man.

Women are unhappy about being moved down to third place.

[Sportsman]

50 shades for computer nerds

 

“I’ve been a very bad girl” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”

“Very well,” he said and installed windows 10 on her laptop.

 

He was very careful during bondage sessions. He always used a safe word that contained upper and lower case letters and at least one number.

 

They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent Wi-Fi signal.

 

“I’m all yours tonight!” she cried, “do something to me you’d never normally dare to do to a woman!”

“All right” he said, and made eye contact.

 

His tongue explored the hole before probing deeper, until she couldn’t take any more.

“Look, would you just eat your donut already?”

 

She writhed on the floor, squealing at the extreme pain he had inflicted on her. “I thought you said you put all your Lego bricks away!”

 

She told him she was turned on by men who like to live dangerously, so he disabled his firewall.

 

“Talk dirty to me” she begged.

“All right” he said, leaning closer, “Volkswagen diesel..”

 

“So, what’s your favourite position?” she asked.

“Easy,” he said, “the middle seat of the sofa, exactly 1.5 m from the TV and the PS4.”

 

“Come over,” she begged. “I need you right now!”

“Just turn it off and on again,” he sighed. He hated these late-night rebooty calls.

 

“It’s just too big!” she cried. “It’s never going to fit!”

“Of course it will,” he grinned, “I’ve compressed the file.”

[barry luxton]

My Mate's wife asked him to go down to the chemists for some of those tablets that make men randy. He told me that I should have seen her face when he bought back and gave her a pack of diet pills.........

Edited December 31, 2017 by barry luxton

[barry luxton]

My mate told me he was selling his pet snake on ebay. He said."Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?" "

 

He said "It's Massive". The guy asked "How many feet?". He said "None, it's a bloody Snake"......

[barry luxton]

^{don't shoot the messenger.}

 

 

 

^{Jeremy Corbyn was visiting a Northern Ireland primary school and the class
was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.*
*The teacher asked Mr Corbyn if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.*
*So, our labour leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.*
*A little boy stood up and offered:* ...
*'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'*
*'Incorrect,' said Corbyn. 'That would be an accident.'*
*A little girl raised her hand: *
*'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing
everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'*
*'I'm afraid not', explained Corbyn, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.*
*The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Corbyn searched the room.*
*'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'*
*Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:*
*'If a plane carrying you and Diana Abbott was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'*
*'Fantastic' exclaimed Corbyn, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'*
*'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f-----g accident either!'*}

[Clifftop]

I was talking to a friend the other day, when he said that he'd like to know when he was going to die.
I asked,"Why?" his reply "Just thought it would be nice to know"
I replied "My Grandfather knew when he was going to die, right to the day, hour and the minute!!!"
The reply "Impossible, how could he know to the day, hour and minute, when he was going to die?"
"The Warden told him" was my reply.

[wotnobivvy]

Shed of the Year contestant

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-42787789

[chesters1]

Lucky they dont drive in india or china ,seen some real loads on the telly there lol

I did have a load about the same size on my volvo but i did have a roofrack ,a keter garden shed for almost nothing !

They go together but they are impossible to dis assemble so it went on the roof it was about the only thing i ever bought that couldnt fit inside!

Edited January 25, 2018 by chesters1