Jump to content


Photo
* * * * * 1 votes

Religion Anyone?


  • Please log in to reply
5 replies to this topic

#1 Newt

Newt

    Administrator

  • Admin
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 28,148 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Edgemoor, South Carolina, USA
  • Interests:fishing, duplicate bridge, fishing, RV (caravan) travel to where there is fishing

Posted 27 March 2015 - 11:31 PM

Those wonderful Church Bulletins!. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
-----------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-----------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'
-----------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 
-----------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-----------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-----------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-----------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-----------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-----------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-----------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-----------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 
-----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-----------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-----------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basementFriday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------- 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------
And this one just about sums them all up ...
 
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

 


" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

#2 Ken L

Ken L

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 12,276 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Kidderminster
  • Interests:Chucking lures, Martial arts and as much travel as possible

Posted 28 March 2015 - 07:20 AM

There's no end to church strangeness.
These are genuine sermon titles:
1.PIMPOLOGY – Purpose In My Pain – 2 Corinthians 11:23-30
2.I’m So Sick of Frogs I Could Croak! – Exodus 8:12-14
3.Excuse Me, But your Slip Is Showing – Hebrews 2:1
4.SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME TALK AWHILE – JOB 13:13

Then there's the church signs. Not really something we go in for on this side of the pond but popular in the US.
I presume the "stupid" one is the one that reads "Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out". Scepticism (and grammar apparently) isn't really asset for church attendees.


Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima.  Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullen's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.
Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub. 
Species caught in 2014: Striped catfish. Pacu. Giant gourami. Clown knife fish. Rohu. Siamese carp. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Roach. Bream. Perch. Rainbow trout. Chub. Common Carp, Ide. Brown Trout. Barbel. Mekong catfish. Jullen's golden carp. Alligator gar. Java barb.
Species caught in 2013: Mangrove Jack. Barramundi. Blubberlip snapper. Baracouda. Malabar grouper. Yellowfin Trevally. Chub. Brown Trout. Perch. Roach. Pike. European Eel. Bleak.
Species caught in 2012: Northern whiting. Moray eel. Barramundi. Snakehead murrel. Silver razorbelly minnow. Deccan Mahseer. Malabar mystus. Deccan rita. Spotted Malabar Grouper. Mangrove Jack. Indian sea catfish. Brown Trout. Chub. Perch. Roach. Rudd.
Species caught in 2011: Indian sea catfish. Sardine. Barramundi. Mangrove Jack. Deccan Mahseer. Humpbacked Mahseer. Yellow Fin Trevelly. Giant Trevelly. Chub. Brown Trout. Perch. Pike. Atlantic salmon. Dace. Minnow. Roach. Gudgeon. 
Species caught in 2010: Barramundi. Giant Trevelly. Moray eel. Indian sea catfish. Mangrove Jack. Deccan Mahseer. Humpback Mahseer. Chub. Brown Trout. Perch. Bass. Pike. 
Species caught in 2009: Chub. Perch. Pike. Pacu. Thai Striped Catfish. 
Species caught in 2008: Barramundi. p-i-k-e-y sea bream. Indian sea catfish. Guitarfish. Mangrove Jack. Mahseer. Squid (Not strictly a fish but it took a lure !). Emperor Sweetlip. Black Spot Snapper. Moray eel. Spangled Emperor. Bluecheek silver grunt. Yellow striped emperor. Vanikoro sweeper. Pike. Perch. Brown trout. Chub. Atlantic salmon.


#3 Chris Plumb

Chris Plumb

    Member

  • Anglers' Net Contributor
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,462 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:West Berks.
  • Interests:Err ... Fishing, Footie, and more Fishing

Posted 28 March 2015 - 08:39 AM

Very good- Newt - loved the self esteem one!

 

C.


"Study to be quiet."   ><((º>   My Blog


#4 Dave H

Dave H

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,316 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:RYE

Posted 29 March 2015 - 10:55 AM

Going to war over religeon, is killing people in an arguement over who has the better imaginary friend...


Edited by Dave H, 29 March 2015 - 10:55 AM.


There is not one thing different between ideology and religeon
 

#5 corydoras

corydoras

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 16,151 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Southampton, Hampshire

Posted 29 March 2015 - 12:06 PM

Going to war over religeon, is killing people in an arguement over who has the better imaginary friend...

My god has a bigger willie than your god.


The problem isn't what people don't know, it's what they know that just ain't so.
Vaut mieux ne rien dire et passer pour un con que de parler et prouver que t'en est un!
Mi, ch’fais toudis à m’mote


#6 Dave H

Dave H

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 3,316 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:RYE

Posted 29 March 2015 - 03:23 PM

You a jew?



There is not one thing different between ideology and religeon