Religion Anyone?

[Newt]

Those wonderful Church Bulletins!. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basementFriday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And this one just about sums them all up ...

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'

 

[Ken L]

There's no end to church strangeness.
These are genuine sermon titles:
1.PIMPOLOGY – Purpose In My Pain – 2 Corinthians 11:23-30
2.I’m So Sick of Frogs I Could Croak! – Exodus 8:12-14
3.Excuse Me, But your Slip Is Showing – Hebrews 2:1
4.SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME TALK AWHILE – JOB 13:13

Then there's the church signs. Not really something we go in for on this side of the pond but popular in the US.
I presume the "stupid" one is the one that reads "Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out". Scepticism (and grammar apparently) isn't really asset for church attendees.

[Chris Plumb]

Very good- Newt - loved the self esteem one!

 

C.

[Dave H]

Going to war over religeon, is killing people in an arguement over who has the better imaginary friend...

Edited March 29, 2015 by Dave H

[corydoras]

Going to war over religeon, is killing people in an arguement over who has the better imaginary friend...

My god has a bigger willie than your god.

[Dave H]

You a jew?