Australia; Always Carry A Stick.

[Bobj]

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following is by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

 

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

 

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

 

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

 

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

 

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

 

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

 

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

 

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

 

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

 

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

 

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone"(a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country").

 

THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.

 

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

 

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.

 

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

 

Quickly brush up on what ANZAC Day is.

 

Always carry a stick.

 

Air-conditioning is imperative.

 

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

 

Wear thick socks.

 

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby

 

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

 

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS.

 

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin" and Brisbane as “ Briz-bin”

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".(Real places by the way)

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.

How else can you get a stain on your shirt?

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick.

[Phone]

A gem Bob

 

Phone

[Ken L]

Good stuff.
I'm a huge Adams fan but had somehow missed that.

 

Two of my favourite things Australian are:

The story of the Aussie visiting Leicestershire and confusing locals by asking directions to Looga-boroo.

and

The look on a group of Aussies faces when they were trying to impress upon be just how dangerous the "harsh Australian climate" is.

I asked them where the harshest place is and how long it would take to kill you if not properly equipped.

After a few minutes, they decided that it was the Simpson desert and that it'd kill ya in a couple of days.

Then I introduced them to the idea of the Brecon Beacons and explained that it'll kill you in 40 minutes.

 

* Loughborough in case you were wondering.

Edited May 26, 2018 by Ken L

[corydoras]

What about sticking your hand up a hole? I guess that might offend or delight a Sheila.

[Phone]

Bobj

 

Sticks - a personal device for ambulation. They are VERY important in several regions of the US. It is a choice not to be taken lightly. My personal choice after years of stick testing is the root of a sassafras. They are rare as the tree is never very large. In the heat you can boil the nob and the tea will thin your blood (as the story goes). If you are the proud owner of a sassafras stick it is best to remain armed to defend your ownership.

 

What is the prefered stick in OZ? Is your stick a prized personal possession and bequeathed in your last will and testament.

 

Sadly, the coming generation does not have any idea of the gravity which other outdoorsmen attach to your character by looking at your stick.

 

Phone

[chesters1]

They use 4 sticks a pointy long one ,a short one to throw the pointy one ,a bent one that wont go away and a digging one ,i presume anyone with less is poor?

 

I have a modern stick its my chesteron it kills wasps

Edited May 25, 2018 by chesters1

[Ken L]

Boiling your nob should be considered as an act of pure desperation in any circumstances.

[chesters1]

Boiling your nob should be considered as an act of pure desperation in any circumstances.

Thats just OZ foreplay you should see what happens to vulvas!

HRT in australian shielas is just thinking about it whilst speaking !

Edited May 25, 2018 by chesters1

[Bobj]

They use 4 sticks a pointy long one ,a short one to throw the pointy one ,a bent one that wont go away and a digging one ,i presume anyone with less is poor?

 

I have a modern stick its my chesteron it kills wasps

About 50 years ago, whilst driving from Derby, WA to Kununurra, WA, I came across an Aboriginal family going on 'walkabout', as Aborigines have done for over 40,000 years. The alpha male and his brother(?) had about 12 spears between them, two woomeras each and the children had a couple of pretend spears each. Each of the adult females had a 'coolamon', shallow wooden bowls.

When I lived in the Pilbara, WA, I found a woomera and a digging stick, out in the desert.

I have a few forky sticks for when I go fishing, the fork end for any snakes and to push any branches away from the track.

[chesters1]

About 50 years ago, whilst driving from Derby, WA to Kununurra, WA, I came across an Aboriginal family going on 'walkabout', as Aborigines have done for over 40,000 years. The alpha male and his brother(?) had about 12 spears between them, two woomeras each and the children had a couple of pretend spears each. Each of the adult females had a 'coolamon', shallow wooden bowls.

When I lived in the Pilbara, WA, I found a woomera and a digging stick, out in the desert.

I have a few forky sticks for when I go fishing, the fork end for any snakes and to push any branches away from the track.

Obviously more than 4 means your rich !

I remember watching walkabout ,ms agutter gave me wood!

Edited May 25, 2018 by chesters1