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All, One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your pen!s reach your a$shole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.” The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your pen!s reach your a$shole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?” Little Johnny replied, “Can your pen!s reach your as$shole?” His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!” Little Johnny replied, “Then go f*ck yourself. These are my cookies!”

16/08 a couple of weeks ago obliterating my PB caught 3 Chub. And this one on the same boilie lol

Winding down - angling as one gets older and frailer. Having caught shark, marlin, and sturgeon over 300 lb, and several hundred species from places as diverse as the Amazon Basin, the Australian outback, the Southern Ocean, the Caribbean coral flats and the streams of the American Divide. It is with some disbelief that I find age, muscle weakness and increasingly severe angina drastically limiting where I can fish. I have always loved catching wild fish in wild places, which has had me fishing in all seven oceans, and six of the seven continents. (went to the seventh – Antarctica – bird watching, didn’t fish as ice too thick), So, my choice is either to give up fishing altogether, or re-appraise the easier club lakes, and even the despised “carp-filled mud puddles” that are the only accessible waters for someone who suffers intense chest pain (think elephant standing on chest) if required to walk more than 20 yards, to do anything in a hurry or stand up for more than three minutes. The only saving grace is that a dose of nitroglycerine ends the pain in about three to five minutes. Thus a distance of 60 yards needs three doses of nitro and three periods of five-minute rest. No good for a roving hillstream fisher ! So after thought, I made my choice, ie fishing from a chair is better than no fishing. So I have to fish only those swims I can get to – no sussing out where the fish are, no roving, no scrambling into difficult swims. But then, I am no worse off than the match fisherman who has to fish the peg he or she has drawn – so - you can only catch the fish in front of you or those you can entice into your swim. This in turn means one has to revise one’s expectations and set a realistic target. Above all remember this is not a match, so no need to hurry – fishing is a leisure sport – not an Olympic time-trial. On the plus side, I have been fishing alone since the age of seven, so have eighty years experience to draw upon, allied to which I have had the good fortune to fish with some very good anglers indeed, so I must have learnt something. My adventures henceforth might be of interest to others confined to easily accessible swims. Here are three waters I fished this last week. Norma and I decided to have a week in the campervan, visiting bird reserves, and staying at camping sites offering fishing. Norma would lead the birding trips, with me following on a hired mobility scooter. And I would lead the fishing trips, with Norma doing the netting, fish handling, and returning. Weighing and photography would be kept to a minimum. Occasional casting , loose feeding and playing a fish I can cope with. Handling any fish of two pounds upwards and getting it safely back into the water has me reaching for the nitro, so I am fortunate that Norma can take that on, and it gives me a short rest after playing a fish to the net. NB All venues had similar rules, No bread, No floating baits, No braid, No barbs, No microbarbs No baiting with boilies. So – Venue 1 Swim 20 yards from the campervan. Flat grassy bank, water surface one foot below the bank and one foot deep tight against the bank. Even slope outwards - the depth at a rod length out was 3 ft, A narrow fringe of Norfolk reed with an eight foot gap and a bottom of fine gravel with a little silt comprised my swim. The plummet told me that further from the shore the silt became thicker. What was out there ? Keeping my hands low, I flicked 3 or 4 maggots into the swim, and kept doing that until small rudd and small perch began to assemble, then switched to sweet corn (no result) then small Spam cubes which brought better rudd and some small carp. Persistent loose feeding for about fifteen minutes brought nothing bigger than half-pound rudd and two pound carp. Observation of other anglers showed similar fish being caught from other swims. Having assessed the swim, time to fish. Set my targets, 2lb carp, half-pound rudd, and see how close to the bank I could hook a carp. Tried several baits, maggot, dendrobena worms, Spam, sweet corn, Caught on all of them, except sweet corn (not a bite, neither on its own nor in combination with other baits) Most baits free-lined with perhaps a BB shot to provide casting weight. To stop dendys from wriggling off a barbless hook (or being sucked off) a soft pellet was used Result. Lots of small perch, medium sized rudd to half a pound, about a score of carp all between ¾ and 3 lb. Nearest to bank, (a carp) half an inch ! Comment – Won’t fish there again, just too easy. Could have caught many more if prepared to hurry, but as stated before, that’s not my style. Venue 2 Swim about 30 yds from van, ground level, so did it in one hop. A small pool about 80 yds by 30 yds, the owner said it held lots of carp (true). some bream, (unconfirmed) with “the biggest carp over 20 lb” (taken with a pinch of salt – you can safely divide most owner’s estimates by a factor of three) About four feet deep close to the bank with the water about 3 feet down a near-vertical bank, little vegetation on bank. Bottom very silty. There was a howling Easterly that day and a bright sun, no cloud.. “When the East wind blows and the sun shines bright, Then don’t expect the fish to bite” A bad omen, but I heeded the other one “”Carp follow the wind, and the stronger the wind, the more strongly they follow it” So I elected to fish into the teeth of the gale. The swim was not the nearest to the van, so that was one principle out the window. Sat well back from the water, flicked a few Spam chunks in and cautiously peeped over. There was a rugby scrum of carp after the slowly sinking Spam pieces. All from about two pounds to around 8 , Now one thing I have learnt is that carp become fearless (or maybe just careless) in choppy water so I elected to fish tightline, just a hook in a lump of Spam dangled into the choppy waves. The fish fought to get at the bait – very often all one could see were seven or eight round open mouths all seeking the same chunk of Spam and shouldering the other carp out of the way. I did my best to keep the bait away from the smaller fish and keep it available for anything that looked to be over 7. I only partially succeeded, as out of 15 carp landed, 12 looked about 6 lb or less, 3 of greater weight.. Norma weighed the biggest – just over eight.pound. Retired for an early tea. Comment There were people up the other end catching two pounders,as fast as they could pull them in - the place was absolutely stuffed with carp. “Shooting fish in a barrel” came to mind. Venue 3 This swim was “difficult” as it was 70 yards from the van, and uphill all the way. Two stops for nitro and the second needed a big dose and a fifteen minute rest. The East wind had gone and it was a hot sunny day. There was an island in the lake and breeching carp by it, but only fishable from some steep swims on the opposite bank. Too far away, too unfriendly, so elected to fish the nearest swim , Steep, but some negotiable steps down to it. This was a bit like venue 1 – but a far thicker fringe of Norfolk reed, The channel leading into the lake was therefore twice as long, about 20 ft, This channel was 6 inches deep at the bankside and about 2 ft where it met the main lake. Fishing through the gap into the lake produced rudd to half a pound up in the water, and nothing at all on the bottom. So I elected to bait up the outer part of the channel – it was fairly clear water and I could see there was nothing there, but I hoped to entice something in. A liberal dose of groundbait was laid down in the outer LH corner of the channel with plenty of Spam chunks and halibut pellets (the maggots and dendrobenas were long gone) The afternoon wore on, still no action, the sun sank, and in the early dusk came the action I was hoping for. Carp patrol the margins at such a time, looking for the discarded bait that departing anglers leave behind. One was in the channel ! We waited motionless whilst it mopped up every piece of Spam, before picking up the hookbait and shooting into the LH reedbed. Lets say it tried to shoot into the reeds, for by now I was holding it rather harder than my 6 lb Maxima justified. Good old Maxima – tough as old boots. A bit more stick and the carp decided to try the RH reedbed instead, only to find itself hitting the back of the net wielded by the expert netswoman who I was wise enough to marry. Result was a very angry carp thrashing about in the net, but fortunately the hook came free easily, the net handle was unscrewed, and the carp weighed (8lb) and returned, still thrashing angrily. That experience was a bit more worthwhile, I felt I worked for and deserved that fish. Comment After two somewhat disappointing results, it was nice to feel that with advancing years a bit of experience and watercraft has been accumulated over a lifetime and to a small extent can compensate for the handicap of reduced mobility. Watch this space.

Chris, Steve - I have a draft for another book, following on from A.V. My indoor hobby, now that tackle making and fly-tying are beyond my tremor-racked hands, is postal history, especially rail-related postal history ("The Night Mail crossing the border " etc ) - it does not leave much time for book production - since retiring I have often wondered how I ever found time to go to work !

I've never seen them prepared like that in the UK and only know of them through YouTube. Mass-produced frozen onion rings is about as good as it gets over here.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.' The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you? To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.' The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said ... 'Mixin-me-toasties'

Got a lift home as a kid in a supercharged bently ,steering wheel the size of a merry go round lost my hat but got home a lot faster than the bus! Took a week for my teeth and eyes to stop rattling suspension was not good in the 30's not as bad as a boat fishing trip in my brothers citreon something (He drives everywhere flat out braking at the last moment) with both globes in the rear shot a very fast trip from farnham to weymouth was awful i cannot understand why hes not dead? One of those that causes accidents but never in them! Despite the boast every depot has a team just waiting to speak to you no amount of trying can get past the bot on the phone ,wrong number simply gets the reply not the right number ,computer says get lost!