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Poolboy

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    Drink! Girls! Ar....perhaps not!

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  1. Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
  2. Jesus people, it was only meant to be a joke! Did you get out of the wrong side of bed this morning? I`ll try much harder in future, or not at all.
  3. No joke. He gave up his attempt to break the record for standing in a box doing nothing after just 8 days. The record still stands at 4 years by Emile Heskey.
  4. A list of actual announcements that LONDON TUBE train DRIVERS have made to their passengers: (allegedly) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction". "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'". "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me." During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided". "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care...." "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." "We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door" "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause...) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways" "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage"
  5. On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the north-west coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Manchester United jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Liverpool shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Manchester United fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue saying, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true". "I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony that could serve as a model for other nations." He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "He knows sod all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need another one!"
  6. According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators....
  7. The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown. SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty quid. ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in those pyjamas! ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate. Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks....But Chocolate sings.
  8. Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home, got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone . One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing" said the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, 'From all the lads at the fire station, we'll never forget you'."
  9. A blind man walks into a bar and orders a drink. "I've got this brilliant blonde joke", he says. "Do you want to hear it?". The man beside him say, "Listen, pal. The barman is 6 foot 3, weighs 18 stone and is blonde. His wife over there is 6 foot, has a black belt in judo and is a Marilyn Munroe look-a-like. The man on your left there is 6 foot 4, is an ex-marine and is blonde. Myself, I'm a part-time bouncer, did 5 years for GBH and blonde. Are you sure now that you want to go and start telling blonde jokes in here?". The blind man, takes a sip of his beer, consideres for a minute and says, "Sure, I'll just leave it. I don't want to go having to repeat the whole thing 5 times over"
  10. I have a Devilbiss airbrush and a compressor for sale. Unfortunately I live in Germany.
  11. Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: In your best Chinese accent..... 'You not Nissan Main Dealer?
  12. President Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks George W if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great George W," that would be an accident. A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying George W Bush and his entourage were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either. "
  13. Yes, I do mean the Otherland series. I agree with you whole virtual reality idea is very confusing.
  14. I loved the Gap series of books, then again I love all his stuff. Has anyone read any of Tad Williams novels?
  15. The sherrif goes into the saloon lookin for the brown paper kid. He starts askin around if anyone has seen him: 'Whats he look like Sherrif?' asks the bar man 'Son he's got a brown paper hat, brown paper coat, brown paper trousers and brown paper boots' 'Nope havent seen him .... Whats he wanted for anyhow?' . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'Rustling' Another daft one, stop me if you've heard it: A bloke rings his local chemist. He asks, "Do you sell incontinence pants?" "Yes sir," says the chemist. "Can I ask where you are ringing from?" "The waist down", replies the man.
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