quotes of the day

[barry luxton]

May be some that you haven't seen before.

 

QUOTES

Sometimes, when I look at my children,

 

I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

 

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:

 

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

 

I have since been visited by her sister,and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;

 

and to have the two as close together as possible.

 

-- George Burns

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;

 

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

 

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante

 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Alex Levine

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

 

Money can't buy you happiness

 

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

-- Spike Milligan

 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

-- Joe Namath

 

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

 

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields

 

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

 

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..

 

But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

 

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out

[Newt]

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister,and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

 

That man had a way with words that has rarely been equaled.

[severus]

Good post.

[Chris Plumb]

-- Mark Twain

 

That man had a way with words that has rarely been equaled.

 

 

True - one of my favourites of his is "Golf is a good walk........ruined"

 

 

C.

[Worms]

True - one of my favourites of his is "Golf is a good walk........ruined"

 

 

C.

I smirk at Twain's but Groucho Marx also had some goodies. One of my favourites being (from memory)

 

"Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend............................because inside of a dog it's too dark to read"

[Steve Burke]

Excellent.

[gozzer]

One by Mark Twain that's stuck with me, (and applies to many AN posters), goes something like,

 

"Some folks are so contrary, if they fell into a river they'd insist on floating up stream".

 

Not sure of exact wording, but you get the gist.

 

John.

Edited March 3, 2009 by gozzer

[Chris Plumb]

Happened upon this quote last night which had me spluttering over my bedtime cocoa!

 

Edward VII " I've spent enough on you to build a battleship"

Lillie Langtry "You've spent enough in me to float one!"

 

 

 

C.

[Alan Stubbs]

Last night in the bar we went to, they started a kareoke, but they only played music from the 1970's.

At first I was afraid..then I was petrified...

[gozzer]

Last night in the bar we went to, they started a kareoke, but they only played music from the 1970's.

At first I was afraid..then I was petrified...

 

Ah, but at least you did Survive, Alan.

 

John.