The 12 "Rules of BBQ "

[Newt]

The 12 "Rules of BBQ "

 

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beverage in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman..

 

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

 

More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery..

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beverage while he flips the meat

 

Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

 

More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

 

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

(MEN, you might want to print this out in case you forget the proper procedure)

[mr motorola]

Newt , fantastic!!!!

 

The strange thing is........thats exactly what happens when the Motorola clan have a BBQ.

 

How do they know these things?

[severus]

Jan is a real trooper. You da man, Newt.

[chesters1]

blimey your lot get off lightly ,i hope your not implying males find the barbi ,clean the barbi ,light the barbi and then ofcourse the woman comes indoors and tell the sofa sitting hubby the coals are the correct colour the wife then gets her house full of smoke because the hubby must be able to hear the telly whilst knocking burgers through the wires of the barbi ("its good for you its roughage" he says as he passes it to a child and ushers it away)

whats salad?

Edited June 30, 2009 by chesters1

[n4lly]

"knocking burgers through the wires of the barbi"

 

Its not officialy a BBQ, until this ritual has happened

[Vagabond]

Nice one Newt

 

We must be an unusual BBQ family - all of us can carry out any or all of the various skills needed to put together a BBQ. My friends, being outdoorsmen and women, are the same.

 

However, I recognise the barbie culture referred to

 

I remember being invited by an academic colleague to a "Real Australian" barbie in Sydney.

 

When we arrived, our host was dressed in Bushranger type shirt, an Akubra hat, a pair of torn-off-at-the-knee jeans, and a pair of flat sandals. Unfortunately the Crocodile Dundee image was rather spoilt by a large plastic apron covering him from chin to shin.

 

Loads of barbie stuff - kebabs, chicken burgers, hamburgers, snorkers, marinated lamb chops, T-bone steaks, kidneys, prawns, spare ribs - you name it - were stacked on a side table. In vain we looked for the barbie fire. No charcoal barbie this, but the pride of Australian technology - The Gas Barbie.

 

This contraption was wheeled out, unfolded, taps turned, matches struck, but nary a flame to be seen.

Each male guest (As an ignorant pom I was excluded from the ritual) took turns in trying to light the contraption. "Empty cylinder" was the cry as that was made the scapegoat for the failure. A new gas cylinder was unearthed and the same rota of male guests tried to first detach the old cylinder and then remember how to attach the new one. At last, either by mechanical genius or sheer luck, someone succeeded. Again the oft repeated ritual of tap-turning, lighter and match applying and expletive generating - but no sign of any type of combustion.

 

By now it was getting late, and wifely impatience suggested abandoning the gas in favour of the electric barbie stored in the garage. Accordingly a search party invaded the garage, and after disinterring a windsurfer, two sets of golf clubs, a selection of childrens' toys at least two generations old, fourteen tennis rackets and a harpsichord, the essential pieces of an electric barbie were found and assembled.

 

Needless to say, host and guests alike were unable to generate a single therm out of it (which was probably the reason why it had been banished to the back of the garage in the first place)

 

The barbie goodies were eventually hastily (under)cooked in relays on her kitchen stove at around 11 pm by the lady of the house. It was with some relief we eventually thanked our hosts, made our escape and went back to our campervan and a supply of Enterovioform.

 

 

I much prefer our informal woodfired barbie approach - "when its brown its burning, when its black its ready"

Edited July 1, 2009 by Vagabond

[Newt]

:D

[Sean77]

Brilliant! Hit the nail on the head there.