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Got Any Good Jokes????


SharSam

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Anyone got any good jokes?? We've got a bit of a competition going on at work but I'm completely useless at remembering jokes, so I'm hoping for a little help from you lot :P (I'll print them so I Can't forget) The ruder the better :rolleyes:

Cheers! :D

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversations as a dog does.

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Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna.

 

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly.

 

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

 

A few minutes later a 'phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained,

 

"That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

 

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive.

 

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

 

The Irishman glanced around behind him and said ....

" Be Jesus , will you look at that..................I'm getting a fax!!!

:D

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

 

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

 

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

 

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

 

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

 

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

 

"Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

 

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

 

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

 

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

 

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

 

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

 

Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

You can view my photo album @.... olliejays photo album
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Two gays at a fairground see the big wheel, one wants a go but his boyfriend is too scared so he just stays on the ground and watches.

 

Shortly after the ride has got under way there is a huge creak, then the whole big wheel collapses and falls to the ground. Scrambling through the twisted wreckage the panic stricken gay eventually finds his boyfriend in the carnage.

 

"Are you hurt?" he shouts. "Hurt? Hurt! Of course I'm f*****g HURT!! - I went round twice and you only waved once!"

Be good and you will be lonely.
~ Mark Twain

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Two men lived side by side in a small rural town. Pat had a large police dog and Tom had a small fluffy dog.

 

One night Pat came home and he was getting out of his car he saw his dog shaking his head from side-to-side. He had something in it's mouth and it looked like it was his neighbors little dog.

 

He ran to his dog and took it out of his mouth. Feeling very bad, he took the small dog down to his cellar and washed and cleaned it up. He waited till it was dark and went over to his neigbors house and put the dog on the porch and put his chain and leash on him and went back home.

 

The next day as he was leaving for work Tom met him and said, "You know Pat, we have some sick people living around here. My small fluffy dog died last week and I buried him in my back yard and this morning I looked in my back yard and saw he was dug up and then when I came out my front door there he was tied up on the porch.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A German archaeology team digs down 50m and finds traces of copper wire. Afterwards the German government proclaims that 2000 years ago the Germans obviously had developed a telephone system.

 

Later an French archaeology team digs down 100m and finds traces of glass strands. Afterwards the French government proclaims that 3000 years ago the French obviously had developed a fibre optic based telephone system.

 

An English archaeology team digs down 200m and but finds nothing at all. Afterwards the British government proclaims that 4000 years ago the English invented mobile phones!!!.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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