Got Any Good Jokes????

[Salar]

From an American, so apologies in advance to our Transatlantic friends:

 

The Oil Crisis

 

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

 

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

 

The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

 

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

[Jim Roper]

Cherie Blair

[Peter Waller]

CA!!

[Snatcher]

Still laughing about the big wheel one Severus it hit the spot. Would add one myself but the tank is empty. xxx

[Newt]

Snatcher - in that case, I'll give you this one to add.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

 

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

 

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

 

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

 

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

[severus]

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff

one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"

[Little Tinca]

Nice to start the day with a chuckle.

[Cartman]

What do you get if you cross a rooster with an

onion?

 

 

A big cock that makes your eyes water

[little onions]

[Tony 1]

JESUS IN THE PUB

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

 

They're all staring at a man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, but not one of them recognise him, and they are getting

annoyed. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

 

"My God, it's Jesus!"

 

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a

pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

 

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints

slowly, one after another.

 

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for

the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

 

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

 

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

 

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets

go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

 

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a

miracle."

 

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

 

 

"f**k off mate, I'm on disability benefit."