Got Any Good Jokes????

[severus]

Superman and Lois Lane broke up one day. The following night the Man of Steel was feeling amorous, so he flew to her bedroom window for a peek. Using his x-ray vision to view her in the darkness, he saw that she was lying buck-naked and on her back, with legs spread far apart. Faster than a speeding bullet, he flew in, did the wild thing, and left with a loud "whoosh!"

 

"What the devil was that?", exclaimed Lois, sitting up. "I don't know", replied the Invisible Man, "but my butt sure does hurt!"

[Newt]

SharSam - pretty good collection here. How you doing with them?

[bitsbobs]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist,and this was one of these occasions. So he thought of Sister Kylie....

 

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

 

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

 

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million quid" replied the Pope. "TWO MILLION QUID ?? " said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."

[Mister Toad]

 

Best one yet, bitsbobs.

[little onions]

Naughty, but very funny. Just how I like 'em.

[severus]

Two gays were walking on the beach, when one spotted a strange bottle bobbing in the surf. He picked it up and wiped it, whereupon a Genie appeared and promised to grant him one wish for having released him from the bottle. He decided to mull it over before deciding on the wish, so he and his companion camped on the beach that night.

 

The next morning when they awoke they were surrounded by Klu Klux Klansmen, replete with burning crosses, robes with pointy hats, and gallows. "Did you make a wish?", asked the second gay. "Yes", replied the first. "Well, what did you wish for?"

 

"I wished that we both could be hung like a black man."

[Newt]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

 

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

 

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

 

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,

 

Thank you for the picture.

 

Change your hair style ... it makes your nose look

short.

 

Love,

Grandma

[severus]

Ouch!!

[SharSam]

Very Good, have kept work mates in stitches,they are suspicious as to how I'm suddenly able to reel off jokes though!

Cheers!

[ayjay]

I just nicked this one from another forum,(before someone else did).

 

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

 

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say like that."

 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You shuld have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

 

The man replied, "You shouldn't! ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer Could embarrass anyone."

 

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

 

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

 

"I can't pi$$ out of it," the man replied.

 

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.