Got Any Good Jokes????

[Cartman]

What do you call a Teletubby who's been burgled?

 

 

Tubby.

[Little Tinca]

[Newt]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

 

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"

 

"Yes, Father, it is."

 

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

 

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

 

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

 

"I cannot say."

 

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

 

"I'll never tell."

 

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

 

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

 

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

 

"My lips are sealed."

 

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

 

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

 

The priest sighs in frustration. " You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

 

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

 

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[poledark]

[ 08. June 2004, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: poledark ]

[Cartman]

Two old ladies are having coffee and one asks,

"Did you come on the bus?"

"yes'"she replies,"but I managed to make it look

like an asthma attack."

[awaaar]

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.

 

They sent me Diana Ross.

 

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

[severus]

Q. What's the difference between a circus act and a beauty pageant?

 

A. One is a cunning array of stunts, the other...

[rabster]

Apologies if these have been posted before.

 

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.

------------------------------

"A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!' The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?' He replies, 'No! This is her husband!'

--------------------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

 

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

 

When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

 

When I was 25 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

 

When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 30 and am looking for a girl with big tits.

--------------------------------

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

 

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

 

"Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And besides, you're single. Let it go."

 

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality:

 

"Bob, you're a vet."

[SharSam]

[MickJ]

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

 

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

 

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

 

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

 

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."