Computer Vocabulary

[Newt]

Since we are doing tech stuff in this section, I though it would help to post common computer terms and their meanings.

 

Alpha.

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Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

 

Beta.

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Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

 

CPU.

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Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's a Pentium II and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium IV.

 

Default Directory.

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Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

 

Error message.

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Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

 

File.

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A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

 

Hardware.

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Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

 

Help.

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What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

 

Input/Output.

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Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

 

Interim Release.

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A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

 

Memory.

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Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

 

Printer.

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A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

 

Programmers.

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Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

 

Reference Manual.

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Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

 

Scheduled Release Date.

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A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

 

User-Friendly.

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Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

 

Users.

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Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.

 

Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

• Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
  
• Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
  
• Expert Users. People who break other people's computers.
  

[Gillies]

Often see one used:

 

RTFM

 

First letter is for Read, and last is for Manual ... cant think what middle two are

 

Gillies

[Newt]

I used to have my forum signature at another site

 

WWJD?

JWRTFM!!

 

Had to change because for some odd reason, a few folks were offended.

 

If you aren't familiar with that one,

WWJD? = What Would Jesus Do?

JWRTFM = nope, figure that part out yourself.