HAVE A LAUGH

[Big Jeff]

A young yob on a train eating a bag of prawns and he keeps throwing the shells and heads at a nun sat opposite. She patiently sits through this and when the bag is empty she gets up and pulls the emergency brake cord. The yob laughs and says "you'll get a £500 fine for that". The nun calmly replies, "When they smell your fingers you'll get five years.

 

 

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Mans wife is nagging him for a real fur coat, so being a cheapskate he has one made out of 3600 hamster pelts, took her to Blackpool pleasure beach and couldnt get her off the big wheel for 2 whole days.

Edited July 11, 2008 by Big Jeff

[Big Jeff]

a female dwarf goes to her GP & complains about having a problem "below the belt"

 

GP begins his examination by lifting up her skirt and immediately says he can see what the problem is....

 

he takes a pair of scissors and snips away for a few minutes.

 

the lady dwarf experiences immediate relief and tentatively asks what was the problem, had she needed "a trim" down below???

 

GP replies "no, nothing of the sort, all i needed to do was cut the top off your wellies....."

 

 

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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

 

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling, David Miliband and Jacquie Smith.

 

They're asking for a £10 million ransom.

 

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

 

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

 

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

 

'Most people are giving about a gallon.'

Edited July 11, 2008 by Big Jeff

[hembo]

a guy runs into the doctors, "doctor you've got to look at my leg.....it's started talking to me!" he said

"ok, don't panic...lets have a look" said the doctor

he put his stethoscope to his ankle and the leg said,

"lend me a fiver"?

then he put it to the knee

"come on ..lend me a tenner"? said the leg

so the doctor put it to his thigh

"please....lend me £20"? begged the leg

the doctor sat behind his desk and said

"i'm afraid your leg is broke in three different places"!

[Jeff S]

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently

received a 'Dear John' letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as

follows:

 

 

Dear Mary, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance

between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you

twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm

sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John

 

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they

could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles,

cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the

other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies.

 

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

 

 

 

Dear John,

 

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are. Please

take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

 

Take Care, Mary

[hembo]

In the recent Mini-AIR was a question about the relation of Viagra use and blindness. My university includes a large hospitality and catering department which used to be the National College of Baking. I conjectured that prolonged exposure to flour dust could well cause glaucoma and planned to publish a paper on it: "Master Baking Makes you Blind."

[Bobj]

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.

The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my Ute and

is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

 

The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat.

Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

 

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

 

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

 

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

 

'... You there Boss?

[Newt]

ROF - very most excellent.

[poledark]

"Involuntary muscular contractions"

 

 

A professor is giving a lecture on IVM to his first year students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting of subjects, he decided to liven it up a bit.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked her " Do you know what your ass hole is doing when you have an orgasm?"

 

"Probably fishing with his mates" she replied

 

 

Den

Edited August 5, 2008 by poledark

[Newt]

A must read for Grandparents. Those who aren't will love it, too.

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

 

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

 

The little boy nodded yes.

 

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

 

The little boy nodded again.

 

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"

 

Again, the little boy nodded.

 

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

[Bobj]

:clap: I can relate to that.