HAVE A LAUGH

[ayjay]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

 

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

 

"No, I couldn't find her head."

[Bobj]

TOP 7 MORONS OF 2008

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

 

 

 

 

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

 

 

 

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

 

 

 

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

 

 

 

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.

 

 

 

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

 

 

 

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

Edited December 23, 2008 by Bobj

[Bobj]

Statistically speaking:

 

es your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

 

 

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

 

 

The average man's old-fella is three times the length of his thumb.

 

 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

 

 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

 

 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

 

 

Women blink twice as often as men

 

 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

 

 

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

 

 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

 

 

Women reading this will be finished now. HOWEVER --->

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Men who read this are probably still busy checking the length of their thumbs!!

[Newt]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

 

I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

 

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches

him drink it up.

 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

[Newt]

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

 

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

 

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

 

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Bobj]

Diary of a blonde

 

Yesterday I had a flat tyre on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the

shoulder of the road,

carefully got out of the car and opened the back. I tookout 2 cardboard men,

unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so

lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude

bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

 

To my surprise, cars started

slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up.

Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a

state trooper pulled up behind me. He got out ofhis car and started walking

toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

 

'What's going on here?'

 

'My car has a flat tyre', I said calmly.

 

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road ?'

 

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Hellooooo,

those are my emergency flashers!'

[Emma two]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

 

I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

 

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches

him drink it up.

 

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

 

When did they stop calling you 'she' Newt ?

Edited February 2, 2009 by Emma two

[Emma two]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

 

The letter read:

 

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

 

Sincerely,

 

Edna

 

 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

 

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

 

Dear God,

 

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

 

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.

 

Edna

[DavyR]

When did they stop calling you 'she' Newt ?

 

Pssst - None of these jokes are posters' original humour, Emma. They're what are known as "cut and paste jobs"...

 

Pssst - None of these jokes are posters' original humour, Emma. They're what are known as "cut and paste jobs"...

 

 

Whoops - now you've done one...

[Bobj]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . .

 

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

 

Still Having a Bad Day????

 

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

 

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

 

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet did not pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

 

There now, Feeling Better?