HAVE A LAUGH

[five bellies]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to The

check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the

checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, "What size c*ndoms?" The customer replied that he

didn't Know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

 

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over

the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5."

 

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most

of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

 

When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too

had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some

brought to the check out for him.

 

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She

asked him to drop his pants. He did.

 

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box

of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5."

 

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he

had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual

contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he

got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked

him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his

pants and he did.

 

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then

picked up the intercom and said "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5"

[corydoras]

...

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then

picked up the intercom and said "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5"

:clap2:

[Bobj]

THE LODGER

 

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

 

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her

they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the

fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said,

so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

 

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman

filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

 

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and

told her husband when he came home.

 

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the

curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

 

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife

asked, 'Do you shave?'

 

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do

you have hairs?'

 

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed her.

 

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

 

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

 

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

 

'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!

[five bellies]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

 

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in

real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?'

 

 

The woman shakes her head no.

 

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

 

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Clifftop]

After enlisting in the 3RAR Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my

Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

 

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

 

"What else," I asked.

 

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.

 

"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

 

"And the third week?" I asked.

 

"The third week, the fools jump."

[Bobj]

Cherie Blair's Chauffeur

 

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?'asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[Bobj]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET

12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. So she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about>> 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said" Loga 's Liniment will reduce the Swelling,' and I had to smile, then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'.........I just lost it!.

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[Clifftop]

A bloke goes to the doctor and says I think I'm going deaf. The doctor said "describe the symptoms" he said Homer is a fat bloke and Marj has blue hair.

 

 

Cheers Fred

[Emma two]

A family is driving behind a bin wagon when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like

[1superken]

A man gets up to find his wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan . What are you doing ? He asks . His wife says im doing what you asked me to do when you came in drunk last night. Puzzled the man walks away thinking i dont remember asking her to cook my sock