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This is an oldie, but still makes me giggle when I read it!

 

Some funny stuff from a Qantas worker.

 

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some Actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Below is taken from Qantas maintenance logs for 2006.

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

P: A loose nut behind the steering column.

S: But they still let them fly Aeroplanes.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

5460c629-1c4a-480e-b4a4-8faa59fff7d.jpg

 

fishing is nature's medical prescription

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This is an oldie, but still makes me giggle when I read it!

 

Some funny stuff from a Qantas worker.

 

[snippy-wippy]

 

Funny stuff indeed and always makes me giggle too, but (unfortunately) completely false :(

 

Snopes can be a real killjoy sometimes <_<

John S

Quanti Canicula Ille In Fenestra

 

Species caught in 2017 Common Ash, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, White Willow.

Species caught in 2016: Alder, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Crab Apple, Left Earlobe, Pedunculate Oak, Rock Whitebeam, Scots Pine, Smooth-leaved Elm, Swan, Wayfaring tree.

Species caught in 2015: Ash, Bird Cherry, Black-Headed Gull, Common Hazel, Common Whitebeam, Elder, Field Maple, Gorse, Puma, Sessile Oak, White Willow.

Species caught in 2014: Big Angry Man's Ear, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Common Whitebeam, Downy Birch, European Beech, European Holly, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, Wych Elm.
Species caught in 2013: Beech, Elder, Hawthorn, Oak, Right Earlobe, Scots Pine.

Species caught in 2012: Ash, Aspen, Beech, Big Nasty Stinging Nettle, Birch, Copper Beech, Grey Willow, Holly, Hazel, Oak, Wasp Nest (that was a really bad day), White Poplar.
Species caught in 2011: Blackthorn, Crab Apple, Elder, Fir, Hawthorn, Horse Chestnut, Oak, Passing Dog, Rowan, Sycamore, Willow.
Species caught in 2010: Ash, Beech, Birch, Elder, Elm, Gorse, Mullberry, Oak, Poplar, Rowan, Sloe, Willow, Yew.

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A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given

three tasks.

 

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others

who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer

won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as

lions will eat anything.

 

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the

chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with

coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.

 

What can he do?

 

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what

to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.

 

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

 

The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today

we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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I was walking down the road last week and saw this homeless man. As I got alongside him, he statrted to sing 'When i was young, life was so logical....'

 

I said 'That's Supertramp'

 

He said 'Thanks very much, can you spare a quid for a cup of tea?'

Edited by Alan Stubbs

This is a signature, there are many signatures like it but this one is mine

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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

 

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

 

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

 

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

 

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

 

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

 

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

 

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

 

But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger.

 

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

 

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

 

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

 

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

 

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

 

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

 

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

 

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

 

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

 

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

 

 

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.'

Be good and you will be lonely.
~ Mark Twain

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