HAVE A LAUGH

[barry luxton]

tic toc.

 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Tony Blair's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan. ‘

[chesters1]

tic toc.

 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

 

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

 

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

 

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

 

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

 

'Where's Tony Blair's clock?' asked the man.

 

St Peter replied, 'We are using it as a ceiling fan.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snigger!

[ayjay]

I couldn't sleep, so I got up at 3 am for a drink,

 

stood in the kitchen in darkness I suddenly noticed a prowler in next doors garden,

 

while I was watching to see what he was up to my neighbour ran out and battered him with a shovel,

 

I watched in astonished silence as he then hastily dug a grave in his garden with the blood spattered shovel,

 

I almost jumped out of my skin as my half asleep wife stole up to me and snuggled up behind me,

 

"What's up darling, you're shaking" she said wearily,

 

"You won't believe this" I said, "that guy next door , the cheeky bugger has had my shovel all along".

 

 

 

 

[Clifftop]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the

herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning

to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.


Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but

possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke

through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a

machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .........


but they taste like peppermint.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Clifftop

[ayjay]

Encountering a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

As if by magic, the car door opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do that?"

"That's easy," replies the squaddie,

 

"They're khakis".......

[ayjay]

David Blaine and Dynamo walk into a bakery.

 

Blaine palms 3 doughnuts with one hand and puts them in his pocket without anyone noticing. He says, "Do you see how masterful I am Dynamo, I make doughnuts disappear at will!"

Dynamo responds, "Not bad, not bad at all."

Dynamo then goes to the Bakery owner and asks him if he wants to see a magic trick.

 

The curious owner answers, "Of course!"

Dynamo asks him for a doughnut, and then eats it. He asks him for another one, and eats that as well. He then asks him for a third one, which the owner reluctantly gives up.

"So where is the magic trick?" says the puzzled baker. I gave you 3 doughnuts already!"

Dynamo responds, "Go check David Blaine's pocket."

[barry luxton]

A tramp sits on the steps of The Vatican, the Pope goes to him and whispers in his ear. Seeing this, a very smart gentleman says to the tramp, how come the Pope speaks to someone like you and yet he has never spoken to me? The tramp replies,well you have to dress like me, so the next day the smart gent turns up wearing scruffy clothes the Pope goes to him and whispers in his ear "i thought i told you to - - - - off yesterday"!

[barry luxton]

there was a teenager with spiky hair (colour Green, Blue, Red, and Orange) walking around, when he noticed an old man on the bench beside him was staring at him. So, he thought nothing of it and walked on, later he walked back by and the old man was staring at him again. So the teenage boy yelled "What's wrong old man? Have yo never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man looked at him strait in the face, and without blinking says

"Once I got drunk and fu*ked a peacock, I just thought you were my son"

[Magi]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

 

Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.

[Newt]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says: "Yes ....... How did you figure that out?" "Easy." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: .... "I Didn't feel a thing."