HAVE A LAUGH

[ayjay]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, it's time to go."

 

**************************************************************************************************

 

 

After Rebecca brought home her fiancé to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked David.

"I'm a scholar of the Torah," David replied.

"Well, that's admirable," Rebecca's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," David explained.

"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"

"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied David.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After David had left, Rebecca's mother asked her father what he had found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

 

[Emma two]

Politically correct joke

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "

 

 

[John S]

GROAN

[Clifftop]

Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors.

They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.

Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.

When he did, Winston complained bitterly, 'Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in.

'The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, 'Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling.'

[barry luxton]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the... accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the f*‪#‎k‬ would you say?" ...

[ayjay]

SA bathroom door furniture.

 

 

 

 

 

[greg long]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[Newt]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact her future, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[Clifftop]

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

 

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

 

ANSWER:

 

British Police Officer:

 

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

 

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

 

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

 

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

 

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

 

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

 

6) Could I run away ?

 

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

 

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

 

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

 

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

 

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

 

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

 

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

 

 

Canadian Police Officer:

 

BANG!

 

American Police Officer:

 

BANG! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

 

'Click'...Reload...

 

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

 

 

Glasgow Police Officer:

 

 

"Haw, Jimmie Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse

 

[chesters1]

I can see the uk copper reading the laminated A4 sheet now....