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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

 

 

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written

An impressive new book. It's called ..........

"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

 

 

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink

And be Mary.

 

3. The difference between the Pope and

Your boss, the Pope only expects you

To kiss his ring.

 

 

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant

Flash and it is gone.

 

 

5. The only time the world beats a path to

Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

 

 

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.

The seat folded up, the drink spilled and

That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

 

 

7. It used to be only death and taxes that

Were inevitable. Now, of course, there's

Shipping and handling, too.

 

 

8. A husband is someone who, after taking

The garbage out, gives the impression that

He just cleaned the whole house.

 

 

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just

Vending machines and a large garbage can.

 

 

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my

Mechanic might try to rip me off.

I was relieved when he told me all

I needed was turn signal fluid."

 

 

11. Definition of a teenager?

God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

 

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may

The splinters never point the wrong way

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Cheers, Bobj.

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Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

 

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Species caught in 2020: Barbel. European Eel. Bleak. Perch. Pike.

Species caught in 2019: Pike. Bream. Tench. Chub. Common Carp. European Eel. Barbel. Bleak. Dace.

Species caught in 2018: Perch. Bream. Rainbow Trout. Brown Trout. Chub. Roach. Carp. European Eel.

Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullien's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.

Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub.

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Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

 

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

 

- I would not breed from this Officer.

 

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

 

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

 

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

 

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

 

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

 

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

 

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

 

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

 

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

 

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

 

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

 

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

 

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

 

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

 

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

 

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

 

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

When you stop enjoying it, stop doing it.

 

Rodge.

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More here:

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this man to breed.

This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This man has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

A room temperature IQ

Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

Fell out of his family tree.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.

This man has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense that light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Species caught in 2020: Barbel. European Eel. Bleak. Perch. Pike.

Species caught in 2019: Pike. Bream. Tench. Chub. Common Carp. European Eel. Barbel. Bleak. Dace.

Species caught in 2018: Perch. Bream. Rainbow Trout. Brown Trout. Chub. Roach. Carp. European Eel.

Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullien's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.

Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub.

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Are you crazy?

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

 

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub with water, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

 

 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

 

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

 

 

Do you want a bed near the window?"

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WHY I AM KNACKERD

 

I,m knackerd because i,m overworked.

The population of this country is 61 million.

31 million are retired.

That leaves 30 million to do the work.

There are 19 million at school.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.

2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the goverment to look after us.

That leaves 5 million to do the work.

One million are in the armed forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

3 million are employed by county and borough councils to help the goverment to look after us.

That leaves 1 million to do the work.

There are 620,000 in hospitals and 379.998 in prisons, which leaves 2 people to do the work.

You and me.

You are stitting on your arse reading this.

No wonder i am bloody knackerd.

 

 

 

All true :P

Free to choose apart from the ones where the trust poked their nose in. Common eel. tope. Bass and sea bream. All restricted.


New for 2016 TAT are the main instigators for the demise of the u k bass charter boat industry, where they went screaming off to parliament and for the first time assisting so called angling gurus set up bass take bans with the e u using rubbish exaggerated info collected by ices from anglers, they must be very proud.

Upgrade, the door has been closed with regards to anglers being linked to the e u superstate and the failed c f p. So TAT will no longer need to pay monies to the EAA anymore as that org is no longer relevant to the u k . Goodbye to the europeon anglers alliance and pathetic restrictions from the e u.

Angling is better than politics, ban politics from angling.

Consumer of bass. where is the evidence that the u k bass stock need angling trust protection. Why won't you work with your peers instead of castigating them. They have the answer.

Recipie's for mullet stew more than welcomed.

Angling sanitation trust and kent and sussex sea anglers org delete's and blocks rsa's alternative opinion on their face book site. Although they claim to rep all.

new for 2014. where is the evidence that the south coast bream stock need the angling trust? Your campaign has no evidence. Why won't you work with your peers, the inshore under tens? As opposed to alienating them? Angling trust failed big time re bait digging, even fish legal attempted to intervene and failed, all for what, nothing.

Looks like the sea angling reps have been coerced by the ifca's to compose sea angling strategy's that the ifca's at some stage will look at drafting into legislation to manage the rsa, because they like wasting tax payers money. That's without asking the rsa btw. You know who you are..

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Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a store when they collide.

 

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

 

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

 

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

 

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big br***ts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like"?

 

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

When you stop enjoying it, stop doing it.

 

Rodge.

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Two good ole boys in an Oklahoma trailer park were sitting around

talking one afternoon over a cold beer After a while the 1st guy says to 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

 

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says,

"Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

When you stop enjoying it, stop doing it.

 

Rodge.

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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong for?"

 

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

 

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, do you know it's ten past three in the morning!

When you stop enjoying it, stop doing it.

 

Rodge.

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