HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

MEN STRIKE BACK........I think

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

> None. It should be opened when she brings it.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

> Why do women have smaller feet than men?

> It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

> them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

> When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> How do you fix a woman's watch?

> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> Why do men fart more than women?

> Because women can't shut up long enough to

> build up the required pressure.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife

> is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

> A woman who won't do what she's told.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> I married a Miss Right.

> I just didn't know her first name was Always.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

> a woman's sex drive by 90%.

> It's called a Wedding Cake.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> Why do men die before their wives?

> They want to.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> Women will never be equal to men until they can

> walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

> gut, and still think they are sexy.

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

> Then God created Man and rested.

> Then God created Woman.

> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Bobj]

The Church Organist

 

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

 

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

 

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

 

 

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[Bobj]

Theology, kids' style

 

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.

Amanda

 

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

Joyce

 

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

Janet

 

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me!

Love, Alison

 

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you?

Charlene

 

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?

Anita

 

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

Nancy

 

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.

Glenn

 

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?

Love, Dennis

 

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?

Nathan

 

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

 

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?

Jennifer

 

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?

Billy

 

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.

Peter

 

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.

Ilene

 

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.

Mark

 

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?

Marsha

 

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.

Barbara

 

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?

Donny

 

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.

Charles

 

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?

Jeff

 

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really.

Frank

 

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.

Richard

[Bobj]

A man in Brisbane called his son in Canberra and said " Peter. I hate to have to tell you this son, but your mother and I are getting a divorce. Forty five years of missery is enough."

The son yelled "Geeez Dad, what are you talking about ? You can't divorce Mum !!"

The Father said" We can't stand the sight of one another any longer. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about it, so you call your sister in Sydney and tell her about it."

Frantic, the son phoned his sister in Sydney and told her the story. She exploded and said to her brother "No way are they getting divorced. I'll take care of this."

She telephoned her father in Brisbane and screamed at her father " You're not getting divorced at this stage of your life. Don't you do a thing until Peter and I get there. Don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME ??" Then she hung up.

 

 

The old man hung up the phone and turns to his wife and says "OK. They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

[Bobj]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

 

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

 

"Speaking."

 

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

 

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders ask nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

 

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

 

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 

The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Bobj]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

 

 

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

 

She read, "…… and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:

 

" Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

 

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

 

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly ….

 

"I think the man would have said: "Well, f*ck me! A talking pig!"

 

 

 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Bobj]

Church Notice Bloopers

 

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* Missing — A purple lady's bicycle from the church parking lot.

* The "Spiritually Spontaneous" rally will begin at 4:15.

* The Sunday Night Men's Glee Club will meet on Saturday at the park, unless it rains. In that case they will meet at their regular Tuesday evening time.

* It's Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.

* Anyone not claiming lost articles will be disposed of.

* Will the person who borrowed the ladder from the custodian's closet please bring it back before further steps are taken.

* Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.

* If we see smoking, we will assume that you are on fire and will take appropriate action.

* Church Rummage Sale: A good opportunity to get rid of anything not worth keeping but too good to throw away. Bring your spouse.

* The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

* The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.

* Wanted: Part-time, a Christian nanny to take care of our two-year-old who does not smoke or drink.

 

Minister Bloopers

 

* One thing we have been taught over and over in school is that the use of a double negative is a no-no.

* I think we ought to eliminate and abolish redundancy.

* The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.

* If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

* Because the class on time management went overtime, we will move children's praise to the gym this morning.

* Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

 

* Jean is leading a weight-management series on Wednesday nights. She has used the program herself and is growing like crazy.

* The Pastor's seminar on fasting will be held this Saturday morning at 9 A.M. in the Fellowship Hall. Coffee and donuts will be served.

* Don't waist time on diets, join the church's aerobic class.

* The Women's League reported that Mrs. Springston, a grandmother of five, made a hole in one last week. Good Shooting!

* Ushers will beat latecomers.

* On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks to all those sending cards and flowers and contributing to the death of her husband.

* The red nose spray on the altar is in celebration of the Smith's 25th wedding anniversary.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.

* Continue to pray for Rita Slone, a blind member of our missionary team who got a new kidney from her father she hasn't seen in years.

* Baptist Men's Fellowship Group Helps Dog Bite Victim.

* This Friday is our annual church hayride. Bring a pack of hot dogs and guns. We'll have a good time.

*

 

Hymn Bloopers

 

* Have a little chocolate, Jesus.

* All people that on earth do swell.

[Bobj]

Life in the Australian Army...

 

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

 

 

 

 

Dear Mum & Dad,

 

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. Youdon't get fed again until noon and by

that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka Grand Show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

 

 

 

 

Your loving daughter,

 

Sheila

[Bobj]

Curtain Rods

>

> She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and

>suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her

>things.

>

> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful

>Dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and

>feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of

>Chardonnay.

>

> When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a

>few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the

>curtain rods.

>

> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

>

>When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the

>first few days.

>

> Then slowly, the house began to smell.

>

> They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

>

>Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air

>fresheners were hung everywhere.

>

>Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they

>had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace

>the expensive wool carpeting.

>

> Nothing worked.

>

> People stopped coming over to visit . . .

>

>Repairmen refused to work in the house . . .

>

>The maid quit . . .

>

>Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

>

> A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could

>not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,

>even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had

>to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

>

> The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

>

>He told her the saga of the rotting house.

>

> She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly,

>and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for

>getting the house back . . .

>

> Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a

>price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth . . . But only

>if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the

>hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

>

> A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they

>watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . . .

>. . . . . . . . . . including the curtain rods.

>

> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

[Bobj]

A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.

Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.

I expected to enjoy the fillm, but that was before I saw it.

Arabs wear turbines on their heads.

When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.

It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.

The problem with intersexual swimming is that the boys often outstrip the girls.

Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.

The dog ran across the lawn, emitting whelps all the way.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.

The bowels are a, e i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.

The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.

The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible.

Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.

 

From "Anguished English" by Richard Lederer.

 

 

 

 

A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm". At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."

All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.

Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Rainy- - - the afterbirth that lived...

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.