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HAVE A LAUGH


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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".. She goes downstairs.

 

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

 

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Two Blondes With Hammers...

 

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat 0A for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

 

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

 

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them are defective and have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

 

Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

 

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

You might have to think twice about this one.

 

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

 

'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

 

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

 

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

 

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

 

'So then?' asked the doctor.

 

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

 

'So then?'

 

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

 

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

 

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.

 

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

 

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

 

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

 

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,' she replied.

 

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

 

The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

 

+++++++++++++

 

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

 

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

 

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

 

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

 

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

 

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

 

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

 

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!

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Is it unreasonable to tell a knock-knock joke to a homeless person?

 

Not any more unreasonable than pinching Peter Kay's material ;):D

"Some people hear their inner voices with such clarity that they live by what they hear, such people go crazy, but they become legends"
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Electronically-Challenged Seniors

 

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

 

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the cell phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

 

I pointed out that the fancy razor/slimline phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up.

 

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

 

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa's crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?

 

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

 

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

 

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide-quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

 

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that "dealing with an elder" despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

 

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and faxed back to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the Yakima River with us.

 

He then called his clients and told them he was faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22-inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

 

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

 

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

 

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

 

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

 

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

 

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

 

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

 

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

 

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

 

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "paper or plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

 

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

 

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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a chap went into a bar just after work,two coloured chaps were sitting drinking at the bar.

he got his drink and nodded to the other guys ,after a while he went to the loo

the two coloured blokes came in and one went into an urinal each side of him.

the chap wondered if the rumours were true about coloured guys being bigger than whites.

he took a crafty look to his left ,not much difference if any compared to his.

he craftily looked to the right .... :o his john thomas was pink !!!! :o :o

on returning to the bar he had another pint then explained what he had done and asked if the chap had had an accident and had a knob transplant and wondered why it was a white mans penis he had sewn on.

both chaps suddenly burst into laughter and laughed for several minutes and one his eyes full of tears said.

"were not blacks boyo were both miners ,.......he went home for lunch"

 

i'l get me coat

Believe NOTHING anyones says or writes unless you witness it yourself and even then your eyes can deceive you

None of this "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" crap it just means i have at least two enemies!

 

There is only one opinion i listen to ,its mine and its ALWAYS right even when its wrong

 

Its far easier to curse the darkness than light one candle

 

Mathew 4:19

Grangers law : anything i say will  turn out the opposite or not happen at all!

Life insurance? you wont enjoy a penny!

"To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical." Thomas Jefferson

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Blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin.

 

She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuinecrocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

 

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle onprices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers,the blonde shouted

 

'Well then, maybe I'll just go outand catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes forfree'

 

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Littlelady, just go and give it a try'!

 

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined tocatch a crocodile!

 

Later in the day, as the shopkeeperis driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bankwhere he spots the same young woman

 

standing waist deepin the murky water, shotgun in hand.

 

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimmingrapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim,

 

kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banksof the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatureslying on their backs.

 

The shopkeeper stood on the bankwatching in silent amazement.

 

The blonde struggledand flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyesheavenward and screaming in great frustration,she shouts out........ S!!t S!!t, S!!t, THIS ONE'SBAREFOOT, TOO'!

_________________

Edited by Clifftop

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.

 

 

Updated 7/3/09

http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

 

 

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Guest Rabbit
A six-family apartment burned down in London .

The Afghan family on the first floor all perished.

 

The Nigerian family on the third floor all perished.

The Albanian family on the fourth floor all perished. The Sudanese family on the fifth floor all perished. The Iraqi family on the sixth floor all perished.

 

 

However, no one was injured from the white English family on the second floor.

 

Ethnic & Refugee community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen,

 

To which the Fire Chief replied ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"They were all at work."

 

Well even if that was remotely funny (which it is not), the impression that we English are all gainfully employed whilst the others you portray as lazy and therefore fit to burn through their idleness is similar to the way the Nazi's ran their propaganda campaign. Is it any wonder that so many have left AN when this passes as 'Ave a Laff'? Perhaps Newt should set aside his own bias and put the future of AN first.

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Rabbit - nice try but as the baseball folks say, a swing and a miss.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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Well even if that was remotely funny (which it is not), the impression that we English are all gainfully employed whilst the others you portray as lazy and therefore fit to burn through their idleness is similar to the way the Nazi's ran their propaganda campaign. Is it any wonder that so many have left AN when this passes as 'Ave a Laff'? Perhaps Newt should set aside his own bias and put the future of AN first.

 

:2::2::2:

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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