HAVE A LAUGH

[Dalesdad]

WALKING THE DOG

 

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane .

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney

Along the way. The flight attendant explained that

There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted

To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board

In 50 minutes.

 

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was

Blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and

Could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye

Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her

Throughout the entire flight.

 

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before

Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by

Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost

An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would

Like to stretch his legs.'

 

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill

When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane

With a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

 

People scattered.

 

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 

True story... Have a great day and remember...

 

 

.THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

[Chris Goddard]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was.'

 

 

 

 

 

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

 

 

 

 

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is

actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes

love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 

 

 

 

 

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Ken L]

Medical humour..

 

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear... Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

 

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath .

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent .

 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'

 

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said

'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

 

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London.

 

Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

[peterpikefisher]

very funny ken except number 1 its made up there aint no st Andrews hospital in glasgow.

[Newt]

Guts or balls. There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

 

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[Bobj]

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

 

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

6. a person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

 

7. for every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

 

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

 

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

 

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

 

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

 

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences.

 

13. Love each other.

 

14. A balanced diet is a bacon sandwich in each hand.

 

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

 

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

 

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

 

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

 

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

 

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

 

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

 

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

 

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

 

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

 

28. Never lick a steak knife.

 

29. the most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

 

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

 

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

32. the one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

 

33. Your friends love you anyway.

 

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 

And this one is my favourite as it really got me thinking

 

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

[Chris Goddard]

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

[barry luxton]

BUMP

 

Found this topic on page 5, naughty, naughty.

 

 

Essex girl, one with very light hair goes to the garage because her car is playing up. She was a bit concerned as to how much it was going to cost so the mechanic puts her mind at rest by saying, it's ok love, crap in the carbs.

 

Her reply was, 'how often do i have to do that'.

[barry luxton]

Two essex girls, both with very light coloured hair are sitting on a roller coaster. One said to the other, 'when we go upside down do you think we will fall out'? Reply from the second was, ' Na we'll still be mates'.

[Newt]