HAVE A LAUGH

[Clifftop]

A little old lady from Sun City, AZ. took her car to her mechanic. She

told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while

there is this terrible smell !! It never happens when I am on my own."

 

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin

and see what the problem is." Off they went. She drove down a one-way

street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both

sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians on pedestrian

crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

 

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!"

[Clifftop]

THE UGLY FROG

 

An older lady was some what lonely and decided she needed a pet to

keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and

searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly

frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

 

 

He whispered, " I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU.

YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

 

 

 

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.

So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

 

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her

"KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY .."

 

 

 

So! the old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

 

 

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

 

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

 

 

 

 

 

 

COME ON GUESS!

 

 

 

 

 

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DONT BE A POOP!

*

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*

*

*

*

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SHE TURNED INTO THE

 

FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

 

She's old....... NOT DEAD!!!!!

[Bobj]

Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

 

 

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

 

 

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

 

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day having sex with the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

 

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

 

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

[Bobj]

QANTAS, THE BEST AIRLINE,

Edited February 7, 2007 by Bobj

[Bobj]

Not now, kid....

[Bobj]

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback.

 

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

 

So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

 

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

 

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.

 

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with these Chinese customs of yours? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are **** in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about **** on you."

 

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase Chicks, drink ****, and listen to Bull-****."

[Bobj]

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

 

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

 

Picture this:

 

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

[Bobj]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)

 

1) That’s not right................................................Sum Ting Wong

 

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive.........................Hu Yu Hai Ding

 

3) See me ASAP..................................................Kum Hia

 

4) Stupid Man......................................................Dum ***

 

5) Small Horse.....................................................Tai Ni Po Ni

 

6) Did you go to the beach.....................................Wai Yu So Tan

 

7) I bumped the coffee table..................................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

 

8) I think you need a face lift................................Chin Tu Fat

 

9) It’s Very dark in here.........................................Wai So Dim

 

10) I Thought you were on a diet...........................Wai Yu Mun Ching

 

11) This is a tow away zone...................................No Pah King

 

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week..........Wai Yu Kum Nao

 

13) Staying out of sight.........................................Lei Ying Lo

 

14) He’s cleaning his automobile .........................Wa Shing Ka

 

15)Your body odor is offensive............................Yu Stin Ki Pu

 

16) Great................................................................Fa Kin Su Pah

 

Easy, isn't it???????

[Bobj]

Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age, Australia (AP) - A seven

 

year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday. When he

 

challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy

 

has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially

 

awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and

 

regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree

 

possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt

 

beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with

 

her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the

 

boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder

 

of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was

 

apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented

 

step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

 

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child

 

welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the English

 

Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating

anyone."

[Bobj]

Holy Water vs Turps

 

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

 

 

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."