HAVE A LAUGH

[Dalesdad]

Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs

 

The Rocking Song

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

 

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

 

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

 

 

Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

 

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

 

 

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched

Their flocks by night

All seated on the ground

The angel of the Lord came down

And glory shone around

 

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

 

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it glows.

 

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

 

 

Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

 

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

 

 

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are

Bearing gifts we traverse afar

Field and fountain, moor and mountain

Following yonder star

 

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

 

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - Social services???????

[Worms]

If that was a joke it'd be bloody funny

[Newt]

How did DiNero do this bit without laughing? Terrorist Hunt

[barry luxton]

 

Made me eyes water.

[Newt]

A great video clip from an old Johnny Carson show. George Gobel is speaking while Johnny, Dean Martin, and Bob Hope are too busy laughing to really talk.

 

Why the Japanese didn't conquer Oklahoma

[Clifftop]

Rudolph the Weatherman

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf who had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions.

The Russian people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching that night. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud in the sky!

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He was Rudolph and he knew what he was talking about.

They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough, a giant storm hit the village. The next morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rudolph thumped his chest and replied, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

 

 

Cheers Fred

[Newt]

Bad Fred. Very bad. Positively awful.

 

Loved it.

 

***********************************

Some great one-liners from Rodney Dangerfield

*****************************************

 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

 

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

 

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

 

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

 

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

 

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

 

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

 

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

 

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

 

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

 

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

 

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

 

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

 

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

 

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

[poledark]

Love 'em Newt specially 3/6 &7. And 9....and the last one :)

 

Den

Edited December 4, 2009 by poledark

[Newt]

Den - I just looked at that linked page. They did a great job with your bobbin.

[poledark]

Yes Newt, well pleased with them Got my second cheque a few days ago :)

 

Den