HAVE A LAUGH

[John S]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

 

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

 

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.."

 

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box."

 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

 

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

 

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

 

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

 

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

 

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

 

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a Mass for the

 

poor creature?"

 

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

 

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

 

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

And my favourite:

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional where the following conversation ensues:

 

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

 

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 

Man: "What sins? "

 

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 

Man: "I'm Jewish."

 

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 

Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!!!"

[Newt]

Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

 

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

 

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself, "my three favorite things!

[poledark]

Ha Ha Ha! saw that one coming Newt

 

Den

[Bobj]

Dear Santa, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

 

Cheers, Bobj.

[mr motorola]

What a waste!!!

 

I've just bought a DVD "Tiger Woods - My favourite 18 holes"

 

 

 

Turns out its about Golf.

[Newt]

"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy .

 

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree . You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

 

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

 

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

 

"You see, Miss Crabtree , out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

 

"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

 

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."

 

"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack! Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'

[Bobj]

Aussie Tracker

 

 

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists

the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities

of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land,

through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and

discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine..

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,

"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

 

The aborigine replied,"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.

It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out

of whack and it has dents in every panel.. There are

9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by

this precise and detailed knowledge.

 

"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.

 

The Aborigine replied,

 

 

 

 

"I fell out off the bloody thing about half an hour ago!"

[Bobj]

"Chet" the Christmas Carol Parrot

 

 

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for

an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

 

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

 

This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

 

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply..

 

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.

 

Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."

 

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.

 

Then Chet's tune changed and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

 

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran

home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

 

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

 

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man

replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the

shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle

bells!..."

 

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

 

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold

the lighter between his legs?"

 

The man did not know. "Let's try it," heanswered, eager to please his wife.

 

 

 

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

 

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Jim Roper]

http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html

[Newt]

A long, long time ago, an old prospector shuffled into the town of Fort Worth, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the main saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

 

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

 

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's arse?"

 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."