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HAVE A LAUGH


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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Johnny.

 

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

 

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

 

Then, Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

 

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Edited by Bobj

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Cheers, Bobj.

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Two guys getting ready to go fishing & one notices the other puts on a pair of ladies knickers before getting into his waders.

 

He is very surprised by this & asks “Do you always wear those under your waders?”

 

The other replies “I have been for quite some time now”

 

His friend puzzled enquires “For how long?”

 

The guy answers “Ever since my wife found them in my suitcase after a fishing weekend!”

Making the most of it

 

Chi dorme non piglia pesci

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The Seven Dwarfs

 

 

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "THE" seven

 

dwarfs they get ushered in to see the Pope.

 

Dopey leads the pack.

 

"Dopey my son," says the Pope,

 

"What can I do for you?"

 

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

 

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,

 

"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

 

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around

 

and gives them a glare, silencing them.

 

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

 

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

 

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers,

 

"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

 

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey

 

turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

 

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says,

 

"Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

 

The Pope answers,

 

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

 

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding

 

on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks and all begin chanting:

 

 

 

 

 

"Dopey shagged a penguin!"

 

"Dopey shagged a penguin!"

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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I don't know if this has been posted before,worth a rerun if it has.

 

 

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

 

 

 

 

 

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........

 

 

 

 

 

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, so he started walking faster.........

 

 

 

 

BUMP........BUMP......

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........BUMP.....

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........BUMP......

 

 

 

 

 

The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

 

 

 

 

 

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

 

 

 

 

 

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin ed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

 

 

 

 

 

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty , the bathroom door flew off its hinges....

 

 

 

 

 

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

 

 

 

 

 

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......

 

 

 

 

 

Still it came…..

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....

 

 

 

 

 

Still it came......

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it.

 

 

 

 

 

Still it came......

 

 

 

 

 

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

 

 

 

 

 

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

 

 

 

 

 

The coffin stopped.

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.

 

 

Updated 7/3/09

http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

 

 

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Paddy and Murphy have agreed to a swapping session.

 

So they go off to a swap party with their respective wives.

 

After three hours of amazing sex, Paddy turns to Murphy and says............... "I wonder how the girls are getting on??????????"

Making the most of it

 

Chi dorme non piglia pesci

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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

 

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

 

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

 

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.

 

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

 

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."

Ian

 

"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you"

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To all those gardeners out there.

 

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on

 

to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her

 

door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you

 

remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

 

She agrees and a date is made.

 

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps

 

him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

 

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night

 

and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up

 

against a garden wall'".

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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A man goes to the doctors, the doc checks him over and says ''Sorry mate but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called because it turns your blood yellow and you only have about 24 hours to live. There is nothing i can do for you-just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'' So he trudges home to wifey and breaks the news. Distraught she asks him to accompany her to the bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.

He gets his first card and wins 4 corners-prize $350,and then he gets any line and wins $3200. He also calls for a full house and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further $380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says"son i've never seen you in here before in all the years ive been calling, but you've won 4 corners,any line, a full house & and the National grid- i've never met anyone as lucky as you.'' ''lucky?? he screamed I'll have you know i've got yellow 24''

''well done '' says the bingo caller. You've won the raffle as well''.

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.

 

 

Updated 7/3/09

http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

 

 

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