HAVE A LAUGH

[barry luxton]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."...

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

Edited January 25, 2014 by barry luxton

[Newt]

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. "Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers." she said.

[ayjay]

A woman goes to the doctors suffering from 'womens problems'.

 

The Doctor asks her to strip, and "perform a handstand over by that full length mirror".

 

She thinks this is a little odd, but he's a doctor, so she does as asked.

The doctor then gently pulls her legs apart, and rests his chin on her fanny. After several seconds of "umming and ah-ing" and "interesting" and "just as I thought", he asks her to sit down.

'What's wrong with me then Doctor'

"I don't know yet" he says,

"I just wanted to know what I'd look like with a beard".

[Newt]

SLEEPING WITH BOB

The guys were all at a hunting camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Jeez, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I sat and watched him all night."

The third night was Tom's turn. Tom was a tanned, older hunter, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, when Bob got in bed. I went and tucked in his covers, patted him on the butt and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[Dave H]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

The moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
and bullsh!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[chesters1]

run rabbit run

warning has scottish swearing and lots of it

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=707940995901616

[Clifftop]

Good find chesters

run rabbit run

warning has scottish swearing and lots of it

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=707940995901616

Edited February 5, 2014 by Clifftop

[Clifftop]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife
moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ........
back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and
out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts,
and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the
end.

Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ..... then she
moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and
shouted,



"OK, OK! I can't park the f****** car!

You do it, you smug b******!

[barry luxton]

[barry luxton]

Bloke in the pub looking totally morose, wot's up says the landlord, 'it's me five year old son'. Kids will be kids, he's only five so what can he do to cause you so much unhappiness.

 

'he's got the next door neighbours 18 year old blonde daughter pregnant'.

 

Na, impossible said the landlord.

 

'Sure has said the bloke, stuck a pin in all me condoms'.