HAVE A LAUGH

[ayjay]

Dear Mr. Smith,

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are
looking for in the shows contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,etc etc.

 

***************************************************

 

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.

"I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."

"Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."

 

 

**************************************************

 

Near my house lives a really horny looking deaf girl.

 

I often see her walking her dog while I'm out walking mine.

 

Wanting to start a conversation, I started learning sign language.

 

I tried to learn 'You are beautiful and I'd love to take you out for dinner.'

 

That was hard, so I trained my dog to shag hers and I just pointed.

 

*******************************************************

 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.

 

The wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[chesters1]

All of them very good, especially the first one

[poledark]

All of them very good, especially the first one

 

Yep. made I larf as well

 

Den

[ayjay]

After 30 years of marriage, Jim the Plumber left his wife Florence.

 

The note on the table simply read "It's over Flo !"

 

*******************************************************************

 

Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions - "This product may contain nuts"

 

 

 

 

[barry luxton]

Borrowed.

 

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it." About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

[ayjay]

My mate set me up on a blind date.

 

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

 

I felt like a right tw@t waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

[barry luxton]

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.

At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.

“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say… I would like it infrequently.”

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked …………

“Is that one word or two?”

[barry luxton]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’
‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.

‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’

‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’

‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said.

‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’

[poledark]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yes..........that was brilliant

 

Den

[wotnobivvy]

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints:

 

1. "It should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like
custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things
during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served
curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming
costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as
yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband
spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans only three
hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom
apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trained
hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people in Spain. The receptionist speaks Spanish.
The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside of our hotel with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we
travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said mosquitos could bite."

23. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded
room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This
would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid!