HAVE A LAUGH

[kirisute]

Nookie the bear has come forwards stating that Keith Harris anally assaulted him!

Police are now checking to see if he had a hand in it!!

[barry luxton]

an oldie but I like it:

 

 

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

 

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

 

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

 

 

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

 

"You don't have one?"

 

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

 

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

 

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

 

The policeman says, "Why not?"

 

"I stole this car."

 

The officer says, "Stole it?"

 

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

 

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

 

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

 

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

 

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

 

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

 

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

 

"Murdered the owner?"

 

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

 

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

 

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

 

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

 

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

 

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

 

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[Bobj]

[chesters1]

Good one

[barry luxton]

nicked this:

 

Registration on the first day back at school in Leicester –

 

Mustafa Al Sheriah

 

“here”

 

Ahmed El Sheriah

 

“here”

 

Fatima El Bindiri

 

“here”

 

Ali Acmah Shabeeb

 

“here”

 

Ali Sun Al En

 

No answer

 

Ali Sun Al En?

 

Little girl at the back stands up and says “it’s pronounced Alison Allen for **** sake”

[chesters1]

Tee hee and not so far from the truth like all good jokes

[Newt]

Hmmm

[Newt]

So true.

[Bobj]

Four retired men are walking down a street in Brighton. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Retirees Bar - ALL drinks 20p".

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a malt whisky. In no time the bartender serves up four malt whisky and says, "That'll be 20p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.

They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 80p, finish their whiskies, and order another round.

Again, four excellent malt whisky are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 80p, please."

They pay, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two malt whisky and haven't even spent £2 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve malt whisky as good as these for 20p apiece?"

"When I retired" the bartender says, " I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Euromillions Jackpot for £125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 20p. Wine, spirits, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their whiskies, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're pensioners from Aberdeen......They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price!"

 

--

[Huge_Vitae]

Brilliant Bobj!