HAVE A LAUGH

[barry luxton]

in a texas tavern waiting for a beer, when a big ugly old heifer came over and slapped me on the butt.

 

She said, hey sexy I dig fat old guys, how about giving me your number?

 

I looked at her and asked, have you got a pen, sure have was the reply.

 

Well you better get back to the farmer before he notice's you missing.

 

Dental surgery is on Monday.

[Bobj]

[Ken L]

The worst news I ever got was that my stunningly pretty girlfriend didn't have Tourette's.

Turns out that I am a fat c*nt and she did want me to f*ck off.......

[Newt]

This is for those of my (older) generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me: Two police officers and a psychiatrist.

[Clifftop]

MONDAY

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about

that! I'm dating Susan!'

Edited October 4, 2015 by Clifftop

[ayjay]

I was reading that the police are going to introduce £100 spot fines for bad drivers. Isn't that a bit sexist?

[Sportsman]

We have just discovered that my wife is allergic to our German Shepherd so we are going to have to re-home her.

 

She is 56 and not a bad cook. She's probably got years in her yet.

[Clifftop]

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover

holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against

Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate

presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, " Case

dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor,

how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,

Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my

client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,

counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance

or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.

Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'

Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no

God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

[Clifftop]

So this retired guy sits around the house all day.
His wife says, "You could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week."

Guy gives it a moment's thought and says, "Sure why not, show me the
vacuum cleaner."

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

Wife says, "I didn't hear the vacuum work, I thought you were using it?"

Exasperated man answers, "The stupid thing is broken, won't start. I've got to buy a new one."

"Really", she says., "Show me - it worked fine the last time."

So he did, pulls the cord out and lets it go, pulls the cord out and lets it go,
pulls the cord out and lets it go, pulls the cord out and lets it go.

"See, I told you it wouldn't start"

[Sportsman]

Alaskan Grizzly Bear notice

 

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising tourists, hikers and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while travelling this summer.

 

We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that are not expecting them. We also advise everyone to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a grizzly.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.