HAVE A LAUGH

[corydoras]

Q) What did the Glaswegian Siamese twins call their autobiography?

 

 

A) Oor Wullie.

[Ken L]

I almost ended up in bed with a ladyboy last night.

She looked like a woman.

She spoke like a woman.

She kissed like a woman.

It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed onto the dive first go that I thought "Hang on a minute!".

[barry luxton]

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

WINDOWS: Please
enter your new password.

 

USER:

cabbage

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must be more

than 8 characters.

USER:

boiled

cabbage

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the password must contain

1 numerical character.

USER:

1 boiled

cabbage

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the

password cannot have blank spaces.

USER:

50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the

password must contain at least one upper case character

USER:

50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the

password cannot use more than one upper case character

consecutively.

USER:

50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:

Sorry, the

password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:

ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:

Sorry, that

password is already in use

 

 

[Phone]

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

 

[corydoras]

Samson killed 1,000 people with the {deleted - too inappropriate}.

Edited December 4, 2015 by Newt

[Newt]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in asnowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

 

She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

 

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

[barry luxton]

_{bloke from Barnsley went to the chemist with piles.}

 

_{Nah then lad does tha sell arse cream?}

 

_{Yes says the chemist, Magnam or Cornetto}

 

_{Jethro wanted to become a priest, so he went to his bishop who said:}

 

_{you must answer 3 questions, who was born in a stable? Red rum was the reply.}

 

_{What do you think of Damascus? It kills 99% of all known germs.}

 

_{And what happened when the disciples went to mount olive?}

 

_{That's easy, popeye kicked the shiet out of them.}

Edited December 6, 2015 by barry luxton

[Clifftop]

Elton and David's baby

 

 

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

 

 

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies

were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

 

 

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated

that the happy child was theirs.

 

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies... and yet our baby is so content.

This just proves the superiority of gay love!

 

"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his ..."

[Sportsman]

What was Helen Keller's favourite colour?

 

 

Corduroy

[ayjay]

Canada's population of grizzly bears is suffering from an outbreak of dysentery.

 

A spokesman for the Government vets who are treating the bears said that things are getting better but they're not out of the woods yet.