HAVE A LAUGH

[corydoras]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[chesters1]

Very good ,not so much funny but true :-)

Except ofcourse we no longer need a porch and our bark can be heard worldwide

Edited September 16, 2016 by chesters1

[Clifftop]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a

fellow cannibal.

 

 

 

 

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

 

+Toasted Tourist: $5.00

 

 

+Broiled Missionary $10.00

 

 

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

 

 

+Baked/Grilled: Liberal, Labor or Greens. $100.00

 

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the politicians?"

 

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning!!"

[chesters1]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a

fellow cannibal.

 

 

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

 

+Toasted Tourist: $5.00

 

 

+Broiled Missionary $10.00

 

 

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

 

 

+Baked/Grilled: Liberal, Labor or Greens. $100.00

 

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the politicians?"

 

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning!!"

LOL Edited September 16, 2016 by chesters1

[barry luxton]

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

 

You all have obsessions, he stated. I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children.

 

To the first mother, Mary, he said: You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

 

He turned to the second Mum, Ann, Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

 

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky

 

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne and Poppy.

 

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willy, we're going

.

 

 

 

 

[ayjay]

[Sportsman]

Wisdom From Avaition/Military Manuals

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[Andrew]

Got one of those new £5 notes yesterday - and apparently they're supposed to last longer than the old ones.What a load of rubbish. Two pasties, a cake and a bottle of coke and it was gone

I,ll get my coat

[Clifftop]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their cheque book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."

[Clifftop]

Climbing into bed last night ........

 

 

 

 

As I was getting in bed, she said, "You’re drunk".

 

 

I said, "How do you know?"

 

 

 

She said, "You live next door.”