HAVE A LAUGH

[corydoras]

There was a young harlot of Montague

Who filled her vijayjay with glue

She said with a grin

"If they pay to get in

they'll pay to get out of it too."

[Clifftop]

Busy in the yard one afternoon, my father paused to admire our

neighbor's new boat.

"Sure is a beauty, Charles," Dad said. Knowing that Charles' wife was
conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was it
expensive?"

"The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charles replied. "But the extras really hurt."

"You mean things like water skis, life jackets and trailer?" my father asked.

"No," our neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean the new carpet, the
kitchen cabinets and the living-room furniture."

[corydoras]

"I am the ghost of Christmas Future Imperfect Conditional, I bring news of what would have been going to happen, if you were not to have been going to change your ways".

[Clifftop]

Looks like the Christmas celebrations have started early.

  On 12/13/2016 at 8:43 PM, corydoras said:

corydoras, on 14 Dec 2016 - 07:03, said:

"I am the ghost of Christmas Future Imperfect Conditional, I bring news of what would have been going to happen, if you were not to have been going to change your ways".

[ayjay]

A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".

The Doctor says "You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days".

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"

"You were homesick "

[Newt]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feelgood. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

[barry luxton]

Teacher asks her pupils what part of Christmas they enjoy the most.

The first kid says he can't wait to open the presents - since he gives a long list every year and Santa delivers!

The second kid says he likes to gorge himself on all the food - he just can't get enough mince pies!

The third kid thinks for a while and says the best part of Christmas is when it's all over!

Ooooh! The teacher's taken aback and asks why's that Samuel Hoffmann?

Samuel says that when Christmas is over they go to their chain of toy stores and see all the lines of empty shelves. Then they count all that money!

[barry luxton]

borrowed, it's that time of year and it's all true:

 

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purpose of the calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles (1.3 km) per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles (125.83 million km), not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second (1083 km/s), 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at poky 27.4 miles per second (45.7 km/s), and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour (25 km/h) - that is four thousands of a mile (4/1000) per second (6.9 m/s).

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium size Lego set (two pounds, or 0.906 kg, that is), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons US (508,000 t metric), not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds (136 kg). Even granting that the “flying” reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with only eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons (54,864 t metric), or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons (606,600 t metric) travelling at 650 miles per second (1083 km/s) creates enormous air resistance, and this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst in flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second (0.00426 s), or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from dead stop to 650 miles per second (1083 km/s) in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected top acceleration forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250 pound (113 kg) Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force (195,470 kg force, or 1.9547 MN), instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

[Bobj]

>>> I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers.

I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

[Dave H]

This reminds me of a guy who for real drinks in my local pub....