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I asked the wife to try some flavoured condoms I bought - "Cheese & Onion" she said - "Hang on love, I haven't put it on yet" rolleyes.gif

Edited by Martin56

Fishin' - "Best Fun Ya' can 'ave wi' Ya' Clothes On"!!

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My mate's lad isn't very popular in school at the moment.

 

 

He got caught w@nking in the showers.

 

 

The head teacher says he ruined the class trip to Auschwitz.

Species caught in 2020: Barbel. European Eel. Bleak. Perch. Pike.

Species caught in 2019: Pike. Bream. Tench. Chub. Common Carp. European Eel. Barbel. Bleak. Dace.

Species caught in 2018: Perch. Bream. Rainbow Trout. Brown Trout. Chub. Roach. Carp. European Eel.

Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullien's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.

Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub.

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I thought a loaf of bread in the Supermarket was swearing at me the other day!!

 

It actually said "Thick Cut". nerd.gif

Fishin' - "Best Fun Ya' can 'ave wi' Ya' Clothes On"!!

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My wife asked me for an example of an innuendo so I gave her one.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

A Lady of the night to a bloke looking for business.

 

"I've been up & down these stairs 40 times tonight".

 

"Oh, your poor Feet". headhurt.gif

Fishin' - "Best Fun Ya' can 'ave wi' Ya' Clothes On"!!

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Probably posted it before:

Chap goes looking for a prostitute and spots one on a corner.

"How much love?" Pro "£10"

"Blimey i only have a fiver will that do?"

Prostitute thinks on her scarce earnings that night "OK she says a fiver will bloody do!"

They do the deed in an alley and its time to settle up

Chap " well love if i had known you were a virgin i WOULD have given you a tenner!"

Pro "you bugger if i had KNOWN you had a tenner i would have taken me tights off!"

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Believe NOTHING anyones says or writes unless you witness it yourself and even then your eyes can deceive you

None of this "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" crap it just means i have at least two enemies!

 

There is only one opinion i listen to ,its mine and its ALWAYS right even when its wrong

 

Its far easier to curse the darkness than light one candle

 

Mathew 4:19

Grangers law : anything i say will  turn out the opposite or not happen at all!

Life insurance? you wont enjoy a penny!

"To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical." Thomas Jefferson

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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

 

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

 

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

 

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

 

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

 

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

 

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

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