HAVE A LAUGH

[Clifftop]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna be killed' !!

[Chris Goddard]

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6

tablets, cut in quarters?"

 

"I can cut them for you" said the chemist "but a quarter tablet will

not give you a full erection. "

 

"I am 96" said the old man."I don't want an erection. I just want it

sticking out far enough so I don't **** on my slippers."

[Chris Goddard]

The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way...

 

British weather has been declared Muslim...

 

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite...!!!

[Chris Goddard]

BUT!!!!

 

 

WHERE did the rest go????

 

 

 

[John S]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

 

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me".

 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

 

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

 

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken".

[MrWiggly]

!!

[rob.imk2]

:

The Archbishop of Canterbury has finally got his way...

 

British weather has been declared Muslim...

 

It's partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite...!!!

[Bobj]

Best Pub....

 

Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.

 

In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'

 

'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'

 

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

 

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

 

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'but it did happen to me sister.'

[Bobj]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

 

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

 

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

 

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

 

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

 

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[barry luxton]

One from the ladies perspective.

 

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my appointment with the new dentist, looking up i noticed his diploma which bore his full name.

 

Suddenly i remembered a tall, hansome darkhaired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some forty odd years ago. Could it be the same boy i had a crush on, way back then?

 

Seeing him now however, i disgarded such thought, this balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to be my classmate.

 

During the examination i asked him if he attended morgan park high, 'yes i did he gleamed with pride.'

 

When did you graduate i asked.

 

'In 1959, why do you ask.'

 

You were in my class i exclaimed.

 

He looked at me closely, then that fat, old, ugly, bald, wrinkeld, fat ass, grey haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach.'

Edited April 14, 2008 by barry luxton