HAVE A LAUGH

[Jim Roper]

A friend of mine is quite keen on his antiques and bric a brac. More what I like to call tat, but he's happy in life. Down in Brighton a while ago he popped into one of the antiques shops in the Lanes. After browsing for a while, he noticed a life-like bronze statue of a rat. There was something about the statue that intrigued him. Whilst it had no price tag he thought dammit, I'll take it regardless.

 

My friend took the rat to the shop keeper "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

My friend gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll take the rat - you can keep the story." And with that he left the shop.

 

As he walked down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

 

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

 

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

 

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then!"

 

"No, I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, and anything French."

[ayjay]

How do you pull a fat bird?

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

>

 

"Piece of cake"

 

[hembo]

a couple of classics

 

 

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

[Gareth Lewis]

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say. ... ..........If you farted just touching it... .............you're going to sh!t yourself when you hear the price."

 

 

A woman walks into the Chemists and says."I'd like some Cyanide to poison my husband!"

"I'm sorry" says the Chemist, "It's not as easy as that, I can't just let you have Cyanide!"

With that, the woman reaches into her bag, and produces a photograph of her husband in bed with the chemists wife!

"I do apologise" says the chemist, "I didn't realise you had a prescription !!!".

 

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Bobj]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he

notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders

hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

 

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

 

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

 

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

 

'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the

little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one

to the cat's testicles.

 

'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to

run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's

collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

 

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at

the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

 

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?

[Bobj]

Subject: Children's Science Exam Answers!

 

> These were real answers given by wonderful little children:

>

> Q: Name the four seasons.

> A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

>

> Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

> drink.

> A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

> pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

>

> Q: How is dew formed?

> A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

>

> Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

> A: Keep it in the cow.

>

> Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

> A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends

> to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

> nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

>

> Q: What are steroids?

> A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

>

> Q: What happens to your body as you age?

> A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

>

> Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

> A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

>

> Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

> A: Premature death.

>

> Q: What is artificial insemination?

> A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

>

> Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (eg. abdomen.)

> A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax

> and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax

> contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the

> five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

>

> Q: What is the fibula?

> A: A small lie

>

> Q: What does "varicose" mean?

> A: Nearby

>

> Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"

> A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

>

> Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' (I just love this one...)

> A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[steve duffy]

A muslim door to door saleswoman called at the house last night.She was wearing a full veil.So I spoke to her through the letterbox

[Bobj]

A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."

 

The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.

 

So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.

 

Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"

[Bobj]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the

Room went dead silent

 

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

 

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

 

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. " But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

 

You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about a drink?"

[hank]

Nice one