HAVE A LAUGH

[barry luxton]

 

Don't want much, one a day blimy.

[John S]

Good one

[kleinboet]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet €20,000

on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm

completely nude".

With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby,

Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!

YES!

I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her

clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?"

 

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY -

 

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb. Men however, are........................

men!!

[John S]

Gonna copy that onto another forum Kleiny

[Janet]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

 

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically

telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece

of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'

 

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in

front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this

take?' I asked.

 

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I

stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my

breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

 

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'

 

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again

although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

Stupid, stupid man!

[ayjay]

I was packing for trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

 

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, (pretending to eat them) "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"

 

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

 

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

 

She replied, 'What happened to my bogey?'"

 

[Newt]

ROF - not sure why but that one really tickled me ayjay. Good one!!

[Guest Jan V]

The honeymoon's over:

 

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

 

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.

 

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

 

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mothers house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, “What's for dinner, Batman?”

[John S]

[kleinboet]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( mis-match )

 

 

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

 

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

 

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

 

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

 

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

 

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

 

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

 

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

 

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

 

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

 

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'