HAVE A LAUGH

[Bobj]

I'll go along with that!!!

[Bobj]

E Mails......

 

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat pooh in

the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with

every envelope that needs sealing.

 

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny

Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I

receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft and AOL are sending

me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible

mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

 

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

minutes.

 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can

remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the

car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping

petrol.

 

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

 

I no longer use cling film in the microwave because it causes cancer.

 

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the

microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me

for life.

 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

 

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with

a perfume sample and rob me.

 

I no longer receive packages from the post office since they are

actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,

Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

 

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive

my free replacement pair from Nike.

 

I no longer buy expensive biscuits from Neiman Marcus since I now have

their recipe.

 

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up £5.00 I dropped

in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex

molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

Oh, and don't forget this one either!

 

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain

petrol companies!

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next

47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at

5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your

back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur

because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's

ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician.. .

 

Have a wonderful day.... AND

 

A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered

that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-

mail with their hand on the mouse.

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[poledark]

Thank goodness your post wasn't an email.........................got me again you b####r

 

Den

[jedibond]

Smart Arsed Answers of the Year

 

In 6th Place:-

 

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

 

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

 

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

 

'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

 

In 5th Place:-

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

 

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

 

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

 

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub'

 

 

In 4th Place:-

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for the whole family.

 

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

 

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead'

 

 

In 3rd Place:-

 

A policeman got out of his patrol car and approached the boy racer he had just stopped for speeding.

 

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the policeman said.

 

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could'

 

 

In 2nd Place:-

 

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

 

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

 

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he had got stuck under it.

 

Cars are backed up for miles.

 

Finally, a police car comes up.

 

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

 

And said to the driver,

 

'Got stuck, hey?'

 

The lorry driver replies, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol'

 

 

And the winner !!!

 

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils about tomorrow's final exam.

 

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

 

I might consider a nuclear attack, serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

 

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

 

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

 

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

 

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

 

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand then'

[Chris Goddard]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

 

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other, one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

 

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

 

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

 

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

 

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick cr*p... How about yourself?'

 

The next thing i heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some tw*t in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

[Chris Goddard]

Council Job

A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him 'Have you been in the armed services?'

'Yes' he says 'I was in Vietnam for three years.'

The interviewer says 'That will increase your chances of gaining employment'

He then asks 'Are you disabled in any way?'

The guy says 'Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy 'OK. You are well qualified and I can hire you right now.

The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM

You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM.'

The guy is puzzled and says 'If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00PM then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? '

'This is a council job' the interviewer replies.

'For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that.'

[kleinboet]

Some games for the "older" people to play!

 

1. Sag, you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

 

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

 

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

 

Thoughts for the weekend

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising! children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember:

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart.

Edited May 5, 2008 by kleinboet

[Ken L]

STORY OF A LITTLE GIRL AND HER DEAD GOLDFISH

Edited May 5, 2008 by Ken L

[Newt]

STORY OF A LITTLE GIRL AND HER DEAD GOLDFISH

 

Inside the neighbor's cat?

[Guest Jan V]

Broke Back Mountain Lady

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

 

She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

 

She thought long and hard about it, and whenno one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

 

He proved to be a hard worker who put in longhours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

 

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch

looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

 

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

 

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her.

 

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

 

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

 

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

 

'Now take off my skirt.'

 

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

 

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'