HAVE A LAUGH

[Guest Jan V]

Edited May 7, 2008 by Jan V

[Newt]

LOL - now that is a pair of goodies.

[Clifftop]

[Guest Jan V]

TWENTY DOLLARS

 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband and asked for$20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

 

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

 

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

 

That's when she SHOT him.

 

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

[Guest Jan V]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

 

The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today.

I must decide which one of you will be admitted.'

 

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect pair God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

 

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'

 

Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down.

She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

 

'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'

[Clifftop]

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

 

 

 

Chandler wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."

[Guest Jan V]

:bigemo_harabe_net-163:

[Guest Jan V]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

 

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

 

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

 

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

 

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

 

 

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Edited May 16, 2008 by Jan V

[Bobj]

:clap:

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Wheels.

[Clifftop]

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

 

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

 

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

 

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

 

At a Tyre Shop:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

 

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

 

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

 

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

 

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

 

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

 

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

 

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

 

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

 

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

 

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak