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HAVE A LAUGH


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A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't realise we had a choice."

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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Oil Change instructions for Women :

 

1) Pull up to Kwikfit when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

 

 

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

 

3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

 

Money spent:

Oil Change:

£20.00

Coffee: FREE

Total: £20.00

==========

 

Oil Change instructions for Men :

 

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts shop and buy a container of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for £50.00.

 

 

2) Stop by Offy and buy 24 cans of beer, write a cheque for £20, drive home.

 

 

3) Open a beer and drink it.

 

 

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

 

 

5) Find jack stands under kid's go-cart.

 

 

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

 

 

7) Place drain container under engine.

 

 

8) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.

 

 

9) Give up and use adjustable wrench.

 

 

10) Unscrew drain plug.

 

 

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. SWEAR! (Profusely!).

 

 

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

 

 

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

 

 

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

 

 

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

 

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in dustbin to avoid environmental police. Drink a beer. Dump first part of fresh oil into engine.

 

 

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

 

 

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain container.

 

21) Drink beer.

 

 

22) Discover that first part of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

 

 

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

 

 

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid adjustable wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

 

 

25) Begin cussing fit.

 

 

26) Throw stupid adjustable wrench.

 

 

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit fishing trophy.

 

 

28) Beer.

 

 

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

 

 

30) Beer.

 

 

31) Dump in four fresh litres of oil.

 

 

32) Beer.

 

 

33) Lower car from jack stands.

 

 

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

 

 

35) Beer.

 

 

36) Test drive car.

 

 

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

 

 

38) Car gets impounded.

 

 

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

 

 

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound.

 

 

Money spent:

Parts: £50.00

Drunk driving fine: £2500.00

Impound fee: £175.00

Beer: £20.00

Total: £2745.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT....

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

 

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

 

He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

 

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand....

 

This procedure also works in parts of Birmingham , Essex, Sunderland, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.

John S

Quanti Canicula Ille In Fenestra

 

Species caught in 2017 Common Ash, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, White Willow.

Species caught in 2016: Alder, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Crab Apple, Left Earlobe, Pedunculate Oak, Rock Whitebeam, Scots Pine, Smooth-leaved Elm, Swan, Wayfaring tree.

Species caught in 2015: Ash, Bird Cherry, Black-Headed Gull, Common Hazel, Common Whitebeam, Elder, Field Maple, Gorse, Puma, Sessile Oak, White Willow.

Species caught in 2014: Big Angry Man's Ear, Blackthorn, Common Ash, Common Whitebeam, Downy Birch, European Beech, European Holly, Hawthorn, Hazel, Scots Pine, Wych Elm.
Species caught in 2013: Beech, Elder, Hawthorn, Oak, Right Earlobe, Scots Pine.

Species caught in 2012: Ash, Aspen, Beech, Big Nasty Stinging Nettle, Birch, Copper Beech, Grey Willow, Holly, Hazel, Oak, Wasp Nest (that was a really bad day), White Poplar.
Species caught in 2011: Blackthorn, Crab Apple, Elder, Fir, Hawthorn, Horse Chestnut, Oak, Passing Dog, Rowan, Sycamore, Willow.
Species caught in 2010: Ash, Beech, Birch, Elder, Elm, Gorse, Mullberry, Oak, Poplar, Rowan, Sloe, Willow, Yew.

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'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

 

>

 

> 'Yes. What can I do for you?'

 

>

 

> 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil

 

> Smith. He's

 

> hidin'

 

> marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know

 

> how he

 

> gets

 

> it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

 

>

 

> 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

 

>

 

> The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on

 

> Virgil's

 

> house.

 

> They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

 

>

 

> Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but

 

> find

 

> no marijuana.

 

>

 

> They sneer at Virgil and leave.

 

>

 

> Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

 

>

 

> 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff

 

> come?'

 

>

 

> 'Yeah!'

 

>

 

> 'Did they chop your firewood?'

 

>

 

> ; 'Yep!'

 

>

 

> 'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

 

>

 

> (Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun).

Species caught in 2020: Barbel. European Eel. Bleak. Perch. Pike.

Species caught in 2019: Pike. Bream. Tench. Chub. Common Carp. European Eel. Barbel. Bleak. Dace.

Species caught in 2018: Perch. Bream. Rainbow Trout. Brown Trout. Chub. Roach. Carp. European Eel.

Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullien's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.

Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub.

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At one of the better clubs in London, a young man comes up to an older one and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm told you were with the India Regiments during the great days of the British Empire. I've always been fascinated by that period. Would you mind chatting with me about it for a bit?"

 

The older man huffs a bit and replies, "Really damned decent of at least some of you youngsters to take in interest in what we old duffers have to say. What would you like to know?"

 

"Well, sir, perhaps you could tell me the most exciting thing that ever happened to you."

 

"The most exciting thing, eh. I suppose that would be the time I got separated from my regiment in the Khyber Pass and had to go on foot in search of them. About the third day, I came around a bend in the trail to come face to face at close range with huge tiger. Just as I saw him, he reared on his hind legs and went 'RROWWWR!!' By Jove, I fouled my britches!"

 

"I would too, sir, if I were suddenly faced by a tiger like that."

 

"No, no. Not then, just now, when I went RROWWWR!"

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.

 

 

Updated 7/3/09

http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

 

 

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The day finally arrived.

 

 

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

 

 

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and

 

 

Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

 

 

St. Peter said,

 

 

'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.

 

 

We have heard a lot about you.

 

 

I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination

 

 

For everyone.

 

 

The test is short, but you have to pass it

 

 

Before you can get into Heaven.'

 

 

Forrest responds,

 

 

'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.

 

 

But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.

 

 

I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

 

 

Life was a big enough test as it was.'

 

 

St. Peter continued,

 

 

'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 

 

 

 

First:

 

 

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

 

 

Second:

 

 

How many seconds are there in a year?

 

 

Third:

 

 

What is God's first name?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

 

 

He returns the next day and

 

 

Sees St. Peter,

 

 

Who waves him up, and says,

 

 

'Now that you have had a chance to think

 

 

The questions over, tell me your answers'

 

 

Forrest replied,

 

 

'Well, the first one --

 

 

Which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

 

 

Shucks, that one is easy.

 

 

That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

 

 

The Saint's eyes opened wide and

 

 

He exclaimed,

 

 

'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but

 

 

You do have a point, and

 

 

I guess I did not specify, so

 

 

I will give you credit for that answer.'

 

 

'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter

 

 

'How many seconds in a year?

 

 

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but

 

 

I thunk and thunk about that, and

 

 

I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

 

 

Astounded, St. Peter said,

 

 

'Twelve? Twelve?

 

 

Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

 

 

Forrest replied,

 

 

'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:

 

 

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '

 

 

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

 

 

'I see where you are going with this, and

 

 

I see your point,

 

 

Though that was not quite what I had in mind ... But

 

 

I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

 

 

Let us go on with the third and final question.

 

 

Can you tell me God's first name'?

 

 

'Sure,' Forrest replied,

 

 

'it's Andy.'

 

 

'Andy?'

 

 

Exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

 

 

'Ok, I can understand how you

 

 

Came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name

 

 

Andy as the first name of God?'

 

 

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'

 

 

Forrest replied.

 

 

'I learnt it from the song,

 

 

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

 

 

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

 

 

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '

 

 

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

 

 

'Run Forrest, run!'

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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Your right Bob, the third one did it for me,

 

Den (dirty laff)

"When through the woods and forest glades I wanderAnd hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,And hear the brook, and feel the breeze;and see the waves crash on the shore,Then sings my soul..................

for all you Spodders. https://youtu.be/XYxsY-FbSic

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For the ladies...

 

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?

Answer: Puppies grow up.

 

 

Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

Answer: Because they are...

 

 

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

Answer: Lay them properly once and you can walk all over them

forever.

 

 

Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one

would hit the ground first?

Answer: Who cares?????

 

 

Question: What did God say after he created man?

Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

 

 

Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?

Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.

 

 

Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

Answer: i) no mind ii) no business

 

 

Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

 

Question: What is the difference between men and pigs?

Answer: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

 

 

Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of

marrying?

Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no

intention of driving.

 

Question: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

Answer: Exchange him!!

 

 

Question: Why do men like smart women?

Answer: Opposites attract.

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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