HAVE A LAUGH

[Clifftop]

A Zulu is walking through the jungle comes across a pigmy standing over a dead lion.

 

"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.

 

"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club" the pigmy replies.

 

"Bloody hell, you must have a big club" says the Zulu

 

"Yep, there's about 30 of us"

[Chris Goddard]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, 'Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark '.

Noah replies, 'No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv...

But God interrupts, 'Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other'.

'20 DECKS!', screams Noah. 'Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?'

'Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish', God answers.

'Fish?', queries Noah.

'Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!'

Noah looks to the skies. 'OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark ?'

'Check'.

'With 20 decks, one on top of the other?'

'Check'.

'And you want it full of Carp?'.

'Check'

'Why?' asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

'Dunno', says God, 'I just fancied a............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

READY for this????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Multi-Storey Carp Ark ''

[Clifftop]

[Guest Jan V]

:clap:

 

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

This is for all of my friends who send me those stupid, heart-warming stories !

[Clifftop]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

 

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free

 

speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to

 

listen.

 

 

 

MAN: 'Hello!'

 

 

 

WOMAN: 'Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?'

 

 

 

MAN: 'Yes.'

 

 

 

WOMAN: 'I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.

 

It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?

 

 

 

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

 

 

 

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007

 

models. I saw one I really liked.'

 

 

 

MAN: 'How much?'

 

 

 

WOMAN: £70,000.'

 

 

 

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

 

 

 

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is

 

back on the market. They're asking £950,000.'

 

 

 

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000.They will

 

probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a

 

pretty good price.'

 

 

 

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!'

 

 

 

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

 

 

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in

 

astonishment, mouths agape.....

 

 

 

He smiles and asks:

 

 

 

'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[Guest Jan V]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

 

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.

 

The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

 

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

 

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

 

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

 

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this, then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

 

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

 

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

 

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

 

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win .

[Bobj]

:clap:

[Clifftop]

Before and after marriage

 

 

BEFORE MARRIAGE

 

 

John: Ah! At last I can hardly wait.

 

Jane: Do you want me to leave.

 

John: NO! Dont even think about it.

 

Jane: Do you love me?

 

John: Of course. "Always have and always will"

 

Jane: Have you ever cheated on me?

 

John: NO! Why are you ever asking?

 

Jane: Will you kiss me?

 

John: Every chance I get.

 

Jane: Will you hit me?

 

John: Hell NO! Are you crazy?

 

Jane: Can I trust you?

 

John: Yes.

 

Jane: Darling!

 

 

 

 

AFTER MARRIAGE

 

 

 

 

 

Read from the bottom back to the top.

[Newt]

:clap:

[Clifftop]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had

not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of

the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number

and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello'?

 

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

 

 

 

'Yes', whispered the small voice.

 

May I talk with him'?

 

The child whispered, ' No .'

 

 

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

 

 

 

'Yes'.

 

 

 

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

 

 

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

 

 

 

'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

 

 

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

 

 

 

'No, he's busy', whispered the child.

 

 

 

'Busy doing what?'

 

 

 

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman and the priest' came the whispered answer.

 

 

 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through

the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

 

 

 

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

 

 

 

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

 

 

 

Again, whispering, the child answered 'The search team just landed a helicopter '

 

 

 

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

 

 

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

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'ME!'