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HAVE A LAUGH

Bobj

By Bobj
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Chris Goddard Member

Chris Goddard

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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, stuff the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

 

--------------------------------------------

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says: 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

 

---------------------------------------------------------

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,

 

'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies: 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

 

---------------------------

Wife gets naked & asks hubby,

 

'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up & down and replies: 'Your sense of humour!'

 

-------------------------

An elderly couple was attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,

 

'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

 

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Edited by Chris Goddard

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??

(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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*Ant*
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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

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Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

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barry luxton Member

barry luxton

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very good :clap2::clap2::clap2:

Free to choose apart from the ones where the trust poked their nose in. Common eel. tope. Bass and sea bream. All restricted.


New for 2016 TAT are the main instigators for the demise of the u k bass charter boat industry, where they went screaming off to parliament and for the first time assisting so called angling gurus set up bass take bans with the e u using rubbish exaggerated info collected by ices from anglers, they must be very proud.

Upgrade, the door has been closed with regards to anglers being linked to the e u superstate and the failed c f p. So TAT will no longer need to pay monies to the EAA anymore as that org is no longer relevant to the u k . Goodbye to the europeon anglers alliance and pathetic restrictions from the e u.

Angling is better than politics, ban politics from angling.

Consumer of bass. where is the evidence that the u k bass stock need angling trust protection. Why won't you work with your peers instead of castigating them. They have the answer.

Recipie's for mullet stew more than welcomed.

Angling sanitation trust and kent and sussex sea anglers org delete's and blocks rsa's alternative opinion on their face book site. Although they claim to rep all.

new for 2014. where is the evidence that the south coast bream stock need the angling trust? Your campaign has no evidence. Why won't you work with your peers, the inshore under tens? As opposed to alienating them? Angling trust failed big time re bait digging, even fish legal attempted to intervene and failed, all for what, nothing.

Looks like the sea angling reps have been coerced by the ifca's to compose sea angling strategy's that the ifca's at some stage will look at drafting into legislation to manage the rsa, because they like wasting tax payers money. That's without asking the rsa btw. You know who you are..

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hembo Member

hembo

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Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies, music, fashion and art. There's a feed of pints, the best wines that money can buy, champagne, oysters, caviar.

 

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing 'Come On Baby Light My Fire', and over in the corner George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

 

All's going well until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night, curled up with a good book. "Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of 'how's yer father?".

"Fair play!" nods Jim, well, that's not his exact words, but you get the gist, "as long as she does the rest of the band too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

 

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from The Beatles. "All right, luv?" He droned, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?". The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "what the hell!" And proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, moments before the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in and grabs the girl by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I TOLD YOU," Caine snarls..... "YOU WERE ONLY S'POSED TO BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!"

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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Guest sandpipper

Guest sandpipper

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ok heres another blonde one Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.

 

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

 

The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."

 

The Blonde said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a Penis

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Clifftop Member

Clifftop

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Sex In The Shower

 

In a recent survey, people from Glasgow have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a whopping 86% of Glaswegians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

 

 

 

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison ....

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.

 

 

Updated 7/3/09

http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

 

 

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Chris Goddard Member

Chris Goddard

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:clap: :clap: :clap:

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??

(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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Bobj Member

Bobj

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Radio Quiz Answers.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

QUIZMANIA (ITV)

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.

Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

 

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

 

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

THE WEAKEST LINK

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

 

GWR FM (Bristol)

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)

Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?

Caller: Mohicans.

 

QUIZMANIA

Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.

Contestant: Grandfather.

Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.

Contestant: Panda.

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er . . .

Leslie: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

 

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm . . .

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

 

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

 

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED

and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

 

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW

Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?

Contestant: 23.

 

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

 

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)

Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.

Contestant: Ghana.

Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.

Contestant: New Zealand.

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific

 

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Newt Member

Newt

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Posted

ROF - that is a priceless batch Bobj.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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Guest Jan V

Guest Jan V

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Posted (edited)

Bob, the Tonight Show, with Jay Leno, does a thing called "Jay Walking" where people answer some of the most simple questions with the stupidest answers. Makes me embarrassed to be an American, at times, considering some people are school teachers.

Edited by Jan V
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