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Nice one :)


Welcome to the madhouse hank,hang on tight :)



Fishing digs on the Mull of Galloway - recommend





Me when I had hair



Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy

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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

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A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."


The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.


So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.


Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"


love it lol :bigemo_harabe_net-163::bigemo_harabe_net-163::bigemo_harabe_net-163:

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.



Updated 7/3/09




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SORRY, NEWT........



G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."

She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"


Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.


G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"


And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."


So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"


And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"


So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."


And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"




Cheers, Bobj.

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5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2006


Smart Ass Answer #5:




A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As


a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his


trench coat and flashed her.


Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your






Smart Ass Answer #4:


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she


couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do


these turkeys get any bigger?"



The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."




Smart Ass Answer #3:


The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled


down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.


The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop


finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



Smart Ass Answer #2:


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,


"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and


he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a


police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck


driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,


"Got stuck, huh?"


The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."




#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006.......................


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.


"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I


might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or


a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses




A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What


would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter


sexual exhaustion?"


The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was


restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and


sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other






Cheers, Bobj.

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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.



One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."



The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."




Cheers, Bobj.

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There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it." Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla! This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand.


















and said, "Tag! You're it!"

Edited by hembo

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith


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Oh yes, Oh yes Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice one Best for ages :) :)



"When through the woods and forest glades I wanderAnd hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,And hear the brook, and feel the breeze;and see the waves crash on the shore,Then sings my soul..................

for all you Spodders. https://youtu.be/XYxsY-FbSic

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Albert, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"


Albert says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."


"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"


"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

Making the most of it


Chi dorme non piglia pesci

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