HAVE A LAUGH

[hembo]

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the

American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.

 

She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female president.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most

enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

 

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

 

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

[Clifftop]

A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. "Doctor, you've got to help me!" he wailed.

 

"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.

 

"I keep having the same dream, night after night. There's this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open. "

 

"What does the sign say?" asked the Doctor.

 

 

 

"Pull, " said the patient.

__________________

[Chris Goddard]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalities

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiation

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type!

4. Subway? No thanks, I'm not hungry!

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke!

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this car park or

on the side of the road!

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

THE CREMATED HUSBAND

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his

ashes home.

 

Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table.

Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

 

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the

insurance money!'

 

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said.

'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with

the insurance money!'

 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the

ashes then said. 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it

too, with the insurance money!'

 

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said.

 

'Herman, remember that blow-job l promised you?' ........'Here it comes...!

 

 

 

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes.... Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Chris Goddard]

Australian Sensitivity...

 

 

 

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

 

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body aw ay, Bruce says,'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

 

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

 

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

 

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that,Bluey?'

 

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

 

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

 

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

 

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

 

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

 

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

 

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really

sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'

 

The boss says, 'I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my

wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to

work. You try that.'

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon.......................... By-the-way, you got nice house.'

 

 

HOW beer works!!

 

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/january/beer_goggle.swf

[Ken L]

We had an old Jewish guy win $16 million on the lottery last week.

It caused quite a stir when he was interviewed by the press and said that he'd like to thank Adolf Hitler for his assistance in win winning the cash.

At the interview, his emarrassed friend got up on stage and said "Benjamin , vhat are you doing crediting that monster who killed our families and ruined our lives ?"

The old boy looked at his friend with a tear in hies eye and pointed at his arm saying "But Matthieu, it vas him that gave me the numbers......"

[Chris Goddard]

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

 

 

One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

 

 

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

 

 

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

 

 

'Ah, England !' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

 

 

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

 

 

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the barkeeper.

 

 

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

 

 

 

[MrWiggly]

[Clifftop]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to

 

a destitute refugee claimant outside the

 

Perth immigration offices.

 

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been

 

told to grant you three wishes, since you

 

just arrived in Australia with your wife

 

and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I

 

come from we don't have good teeth,

 

so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold

 

in them.' The fairy looked at the man's

 

almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he

 

had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

 

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more

 

to go.' The refugee claimant now got

 

bolder. 'I need a big house with a three

 

car garage in Nedlands with eight

 

bedrooms for my family and the rest of

 

my refugee relatives who still live in my

 

country. I want to bring them all over

 

here.. ' PING! - In the distance there

 

could be seen a beautiful mansion with a

 

three car garage, a long driveway, a

 

walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the

 

river. 'One more wish', said the fairy,

 

waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

 

I want to be like an Australian with

 

Australian clothes instead of manjams,

 

and a baseball cap instead of this turban.

 

And I want to have white skin like

 

Australians. 'PING! - The man was

 

transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an

 

Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball

 

cap. He had his bad teeth back and the

 

mansion had disappeared from the

 

horizon.. 'What happened to my new

 

teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new

 

house ?'

 

THIS IS GOOD .......

 

 

The fairy said 'Tough luck, Dick-head,

 

Now that you are a Ozzie, you have to

 

fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!

[five bellies]

I got invited to the AGM of the local branch of the Premature Ejaculation sociaty,

I asked if there was a dress Code

 

and was told it was an informal affair

 

Just Come in in your Pants!

[Peggy Burke]

Youtube Video ->Original Video

This is a goodie!!!