HAVE A LAUGH

[Chris Goddard]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

 

 

 

 

 

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

 

 

 

 

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

 

 

 

 

'What are you doing?' He exclaimed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

 

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'What the hell are you doing?' She asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He replied, 'Watching the cricket with my son-in-law.

[Bobj]

[Clifftop]

 

 

 

Bob, MATE, send me a carton a week mate, i need it desperatly.

 

Cheers Fred

[Huge_Vitae]

Newt originally posted this some time ago, I laughed my head off, and still do.

Youtube Video ->

[barry luxton]

Bloke was in the pub listening to the footy results, when the spurs result was mentioned his dog went barking mad, the landlord said to him blimy what happens if spurs wins, he replied, dunno, i've only had him six months.

Edited October 17, 2008 by barry luxton

[Bobj]

Pi$$ed as a....pumpkin??

 

Edited October 17, 2008 by Bobj

[Bobj]

Believe it or not ,

These are Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!

 

 

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .

Dispatcher : Excuse me?

Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?

Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

 

 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police

[Clifftop]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time

with them to correct their ways.

 

 

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with

them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot

where the men were eating.

 

 

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know

Jesus Christ?"

 

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

 

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why"?

 

The worker yelled back

"His wife's here with his lunch."

[hembo]

. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

 

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.

 

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.

 

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.

 

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

 

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.

 

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

 

8. Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

 

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.

 

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.

Way ugly: She makes more money than you.

[Bobj]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at

the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we

are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is

your army?'

 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me

Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from

the pub. That makes eleven!'

 

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army

waiting to move on my command.'

 

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still

on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and

5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000

since we last spoke.'

 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still

on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie

McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four

boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell

you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military

bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And

since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.

Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

 

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of

heart?'

 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and

packets of crisps, and we decided there is no bl**dy way we can feed

200,000 prisoners .'