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good one, Bobj!!!!!!!! :lol::lol::lol:


A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping

unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.


Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you

have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter

with you?'


The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I

don't care what you think. I just came from having a

mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy,

but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'


The husband replies, 'What did he say about your

42-year old arse?'


'Your name never came up,' she replied

Edited by Jan V
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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

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Species caught in 2020: Barbel. European Eel. Bleak. Perch. Pike.

Species caught in 2019: Pike. Bream. Tench. Chub. Common Carp. European Eel. Barbel. Bleak. Dace.

Species caught in 2018: Perch. Bream. Rainbow Trout. Brown Trout. Chub. Roach. Carp. European Eel.

Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullien's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.

Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub.

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:bigemo_harabe_net-163: :bigemo_harabe_net-163: :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:
" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.


Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.


A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, 'Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?' 'I'm sorry,' replied the hunchback, 'but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!'


Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. 'I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.' With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. 'Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.' Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts:



































Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!'

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.



Updated 7/3/09




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Very most excellent.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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IDIOTS OF 2008….. Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre..

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants..

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away..

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride..


Number Two Idiot of 2008 .

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.

They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated..

They are no longer employed at Boeing..

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run..


Number Three Idiot of 2008.

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote this. 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.

She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit

slip and that he would either have to fill out a NASB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ..

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left..

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland ..

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.


Number Four Idiot of 2008.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $140 and a photo of his car.. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $140..

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.. He immediately mailed in his $140..

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign.


Number Five Idiot of 2008.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer..

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf..

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him..

At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk..

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.. The robber then ran from the store with his loot..

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later..

This guy definitely needs a sign.


Idiot Number Six of 2008.

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers..

The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him..

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.


Idiot Number Seven of 2008.

Perth WA .. Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window..

The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass..

The whole event was caught on videotape..

Yep, Here's your sign.. (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)



I live in a semi-rural area.

We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Cattle Crossing sign on our road..

The reason: 'Too many Cattle are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore'



My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.. He was a Chef ?? Yep...From Surfers Paradise Qld !!!



I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge??

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know??'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Melbourne Vic..



The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine..

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for..

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red..

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving??!'

She was a probation officer in Adelaide SA ..



At a send-off luncheon for an old and dear co-worker..

She was leaving the company due to' down sizing.'

Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken.. We all just looked at each other with amazement..



When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it..

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door..

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.'

This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo NSW .




Cheers, Bobj.

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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:









1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.









2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.









3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.









4. A dog's parents never visit.









5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.









6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.









7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.









8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.









9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog??











10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.









11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.









12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.









13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.







And last, but not least:







14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Chris Goddard

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??

(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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What Starts with F and ends with K?


A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the

3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd

grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would

give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was

to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader

should know.


The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go

to the 3rd grade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."


The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the


Harry replied, "Bubble gum."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down

and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."


The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a

lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong ...... "

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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:bigemo_harabe_net-163::bigemo_harabe_net-163::bigemo_harabe_net-163: i got em wrong as well. :)

Free to choose apart from the ones where the trust poked their nose in. Common eel. tope. Bass and sea bream. All restricted.

New for 2016 TAT are the main instigators for the demise of the u k bass charter boat industry, where they went screaming off to parliament and for the first time assisting so called angling gurus set up bass take bans with the e u using rubbish exaggerated info collected by ices from anglers, they must be very proud.

Upgrade, the door has been closed with regards to anglers being linked to the e u superstate and the failed c f p. So TAT will no longer need to pay monies to the EAA anymore as that org is no longer relevant to the u k . Goodbye to the europeon anglers alliance and pathetic restrictions from the e u.

Angling is better than politics, ban politics from angling.

Consumer of bass. where is the evidence that the u k bass stock need angling trust protection. Why won't you work with your peers instead of castigating them. They have the answer.

Recipie's for mullet stew more than welcomed.

Angling sanitation trust and kent and sussex sea anglers org delete's and blocks rsa's alternative opinion on their face book site. Although they claim to rep all.

new for 2014. where is the evidence that the south coast bream stock need the angling trust? Your campaign has no evidence. Why won't you work with your peers, the inshore under tens? As opposed to alienating them? Angling trust failed big time re bait digging, even fish legal attempted to intervene and failed, all for what, nothing.

Looks like the sea angling reps have been coerced by the ifca's to compose sea angling strategy's that the ifca's at some stage will look at drafting into legislation to manage the rsa, because they like wasting tax payers money. That's without asking the rsa btw. You know who you are..

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The power of Alcohol


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and

informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The

son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as

he can, with love and compassion.


After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes

him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up

the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons

looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,

the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts

into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.


The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'


The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!


Plop!! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink

again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The

bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,

shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,

grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop

out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands

up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right

through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and

kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief.


The bartender sighs and says,




















* 'He should've quit while he was a head.'

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