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So Noah is waiting by his ark. Waiting for all the animals that God has promised will squeeze into the boat that he's built.

And then he sees them. Great numbers of beasts all converging on where he's standing. So he lowers the gang-plank, and watches as the animals start filing on board, two-by-two.

And as they go into the ship, Noah can be heard passing comments on each animal that goes by - "Hmmm... two horses," he says, "they don't taste very nice, but they're edible," and "Ooh! Two sheep. I love roast lamb".

And so it goes on, for each pair of animals, Noah counts going on board, he says something about what they're like to eat. Eventually Noah's son can stand it no longer, and he goes to his mother to ask why.

She answers: "Well, there's Noah counting for taste."

To which the son replies: "Now I've herd everything."

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

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52 things you would love to say out loud at work

 

 

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

 

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

 

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

 

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

 

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

 

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

 

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

 

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

 

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

 

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again.

 

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

 

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

 

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

 

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

 

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

 

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

 

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

 

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

 

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

 

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

 

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

 

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

 

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

 

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

 

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

 

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

 

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

 

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

 

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

 

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

 

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

 

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

 

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

 

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

 

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

 

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

 

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

 

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

 

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

 

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

 

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

 

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

 

45. If you have something to say raise your hand...then place it over your mouth.

 

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

 

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

 

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

 

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

 

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

 

51. Don't believe everything you think.

 

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

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Cheers, Bobj.

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The Seven Stages Of Sex

 

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet

someone and you both have sex until you are

blue in the face.

 

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for

a short time and you are so needy you will have

sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a

long time. Your sex has become routine and you

usually have sex only in your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too

long. When you pass each other in the hallway you

both say ... '**ck You.'

 

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the

afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

 

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.

 

This is when you cannot stand your partner any more. They

take you to court and screw you in front of everyone.

 

And . Last ... But not least ...

 

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

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Cheers, Bobj.

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California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

 

The new wine will be marketed as

 

 

 

PINO MORE

 

 

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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LOL @ the list. Some new ones on there.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the

first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

insisted on no baby talk.

 

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit

my Nana."

 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a

choo-choo."

 

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

 

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great

pride and said, "Winnie the ****."

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Two recently deceased women meet in Heaven:

 

 

 

1st woman: Hi my name is Vanessa.

 

2nd woman: Hi, I'm Nicole. How did you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death

 

2nd woman: How horrible

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peacful death. What about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and then down into the basement. I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we might both still be alive.

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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a

young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

 

 

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

 

Have you ever used the product?'

 

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

 

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

 

'We use it for sex.'

 

The researcher was a little taken back.

'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's

bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that

most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since

you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for

sex?'

 

 

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I

put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

my mind not only wanders-- sometimes it leaves completely.

 

 

Updated 7/3/09

http://sites.google.com/site/pomfred/

 

 

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Children's solutions to medical problems

 

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

 

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

 

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

 

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

 

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

 

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

 

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

 

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

 

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

 

For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.

 

To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

 

For head cold: use and agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

Edited by Bobj

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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ROF!!! :D :D

 

You gotta love the stuff that kids say.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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