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it was approaching bills 90th birthday and as a surprise his friends wanted to give him the time of his life ,so they arranged for a prostitute to callaround his house.

anyway she went around bills house and said in a seductive voice "im here to give you some super sex" to which bill replied " i think ill go for the soup thankyou.

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

I was naked when I met the postman at the front door this morning. I don't know what surprised him most, that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived. I've been told that a good way of letting

Extract from Tony Blair's book! 'I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker (prostitute) standing on the same street corner, day after day

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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

 

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

 

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

 

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

 

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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A new Teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

 

**************

 

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

 

***************

 

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked,

"Dad,

why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum.

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Bloke goes to the doctors for his annual medical. The doctor does the usual tests and measurements and then asks him to strip so that he can check the bits that are usually kept in the dark.

The guy strips off and the first thing the doctor notices is that he has a bright orange penis.

The doctor points it out and asks whether he has any discomfort or discharge and whether he's been sleeping arround - the guy tells him "no".

Next the doctor asks whether it's a tattoo or whether any family members have similar colouration - the guy confirms "no" on both counts.

Lastly, the doctor asks whether he's exposed to any hazardous chemicals, plants, spices or radiation at work or at home and the guy tells him that he hasn't worked for 10 years and doesn't do any gardening, cooking or household cleaning.

The doctor is perplexed.

Finally he asks what he does all day if he's not doing any gardening, cooking or cleaning and he doesn't work?

Well says the guy, it's kinda embassrasing but I watch porn and eat Wotsits...

Edited by Ken L

Species caught in 2020: Barbel. European Eel. Bleak. Perch. Pike.

Species caught in 2019: Pike. Bream. Tench. Chub. Common Carp. European Eel. Barbel. Bleak. Dace.

Species caught in 2018: Perch. Bream. Rainbow Trout. Brown Trout. Chub. Roach. Carp. European Eel.

Species caught in 2017: Siamese carp. Striped catfish. Rohu. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Black Minnow Shark. Perch. Chub. Brown Trout. Pike. Bream. Roach. Rudd. Bleak. Common Carp.

Species caught in 2016: Siamese carp. Jullien's golden carp. Striped catfish. Mekong catfish. Amazon red tail catfish. Arapaima. Alligator gar. Rohu. Black Minnow Shark. Roach, Bream, Perch, Ballan Wrasse. Rudd. Common Carp. Pike. Zander. Chub. Bleak.

Species caught in 2015: Brown Trout. Roach. Bream. Terrapin. Eel. Barbel. Pike. Chub.

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Van Gogh's Family Tree

 

 

 

His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh

 

The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh

 

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh

 

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh

 

The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh

 

His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh

 

His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh

 

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh

 

The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh

 

The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh

 

The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh

 

The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh

 

His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh

 

The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh

 

An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh

 

The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh

 

A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh

 

And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh

 

 

 

....And there ya Gogh!

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Cheers, Bobj.

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There is a lady laying in bed. At about midnight her husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says " That's the fat pig I've been sleeping with when I'm not sleeping with you." His wife gets a confused look on her face and states " but honey that's not a pig its a sheep." Her husband says " Shut up pig I'm talking to the sheep

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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Funny Doctor Chart Bloopers:

Actual Medical Record Entries Mistakes From Doctors

 

Discharge status: alive but without permission.

 

*

 

The patient has been depressed ever since

she began seeing me in 1983.

 

 

*

 

The patient refused an autopsy.

 

*

 

The patient has no past history of suicides.

 

*

 

Patient has left his white blood cells

at another hospital.

 

*

 

Between you and me, we ought to be able

to get this lady pregnant.

 

*

 

She is numb from her toes down.

 

*

 

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

 

*

 

Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband,

I thought you would like to work her up.

*

 

 

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. :yucky:

 

*

 

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

*

 

Both breasts are equal and reactive

to light and accommodation.

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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More Lawyer Bloopers

 

 

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

 

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?

A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

 

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A. It indicates intercourse.

Q. Male sperm?

A. That is the only kind I know.

 

Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

 

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

 

Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

 

Q. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

 

Q. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

 

Q. Were you alone or by yourself?

 

Q. How long have you been a French Canadian?

 

Q. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

 

Q. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

 

Q. So you were gone until you returned?

 

Q. She had three children, right?

A. Yes.

Q. How many were boys?

A. None

Q. Were there girls?

 

You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

 

Q. You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A. Yes.

Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?

A. Not yet.

 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

 

Q. Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

A. It was in the evening. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q. And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

A. No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

 

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

 

Q: Did you see the defendant bite off the victim's nose?

A: No

Q: Then how do you know he bit off the victim's nose?

A: I saw him spit it out.

 

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

 

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living.

The witness replied that he was a lawyer.

"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."

"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

 

"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." --A lawyer speaking to a judge.

 

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness.

"You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast.Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

 

The Judge admonished the witness,

"Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

 

A true story from a prospective jurist, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:

The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

 

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

 

A witness was called to stand to testify about a head-on automobile collision:

"Whose fault was this accident?" the lawyer asked.

"As near as I could tell," replied the witness, "they hit each other at about the same time."

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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ROF - that last batch of legal ones is especially good.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

 

The blondes all nodded.

 

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

 

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

 

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

 

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

 

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

 

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

 

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

 

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

 

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

 

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

 

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you

 

tell that by looking at his picture?"

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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