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cobwebs ,ive seen a few funnel web spiders.

The salary of the chief executive of a large corporation is not a market award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.

John Kenneth Galbraith

 

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I ordered a Chinese meal last night. Chinese driver came to our door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said you’re not that late, I only ordered 25 minutes ago!

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities. "T

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LOVE

................

 

Husband: Love...

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep now.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: Alright.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: For heaven's sake, feel your way.

Wife: There! Do you feel better?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Yes, that's good.

Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open,

do it yourself!!!!!

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Mission to Mars

 

(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)

 

The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.

 

"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions." The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

 

A few moments’ later headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2, report to communications for instructions."

 

Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

 

Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

 

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

 

"Female Astronaut please report to communications for instructions."

 

The blonde sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says-

 

"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."

ocker-anim.gifROO.gif

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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LOL!!

 

Another new illness to watch out for!

 

 

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well!

 

'What's the matter?' he asks.

 

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

 

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

 

'I just can't see my ass coming into work today.

Chris Goddard


It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.

If GOD had NOT meant us to go fishing, WHY did he give us arms then??


(If you can't help out someone in need then don't bother my old Dad always said! My grandma put it a LITTLE more, well different! It's like peeing yourself in a black pair of pants she said! It gives you a LOVELY warm feeling but no-one really notices!))

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Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.'

 

Seniors - God bless em - don't mess with them.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old senior walked to the window,had a peek, and in a soft accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

 

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.'

 

Seniors - God bless em - don't mess with them.

" My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!" - Harry Truman, 33rd US President

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